OW: I Pelican-‘t believe it

5 12 2012

brown-pelican-nps

I’m sure most NBA fans have already heard, but if somehow you haven’t, breaking news this morning was that the New Orleans Hornets will be changing their team name to the New Orleans Pelicans as early as next season.

Say whaa?

Noooo!!!!

Noooo!!!!

No need to smash your glasses or call your optometrist in a rage, you did read that right. The New Orleans Pelicans are about to be an actual NBA team. There’s a lot to get to here so let’s dive in right away, true OW style.

In all reality, the Pelicans isn’t actually that bad of an NBA mascot. Considering the last few mascots the NBA has come up with include the Charlotte Bobcats and the OKC Thunder, throwing out something lame like the Pelicans seems pretty in line. Plus I get it, the Brown Pelican is the Louisiana state bird or some shit. And it’s on their seal and their flag and they’re floating around various bodies of water throughout New Orleans. A pelican is applicable. Just like there’s often hot temperatures, or heat, in Miami. So, from an outside perspective, Pelicans isn’t the worst team name an American city has come up with.

But wait JD, Pelican’s seem kind of like the pussies of the large bird family. What, with their weird pouch beak, and their ugly face and what not, they’re kind of gay. You bring up a great point. Pelican’s are kind of lame. But if teams named after creatures were critiqued on lameness of the the actual animal in its natural habitat, we’d have some much bigger fish to fry than Pelicans (Fighting Squirrels anyone?). I actually had a run in with a live pelican once on an island in Greece. Motherfuckers are kind of big. But with all that girth, they just kind of waddle around and look pissed, maybe eat a fish here and there. Pretty boring. If you’ve ever been like, ohhh man my life isn’t complete until I see a pelican in real life, you’re an idiot. You aren’t missing shit. Ever seen a crane? Ok, well add some lbs and a pissy attitude to that crane and boom you’ve seen a pelican.

So how about creativity. Was Tom Benson, the owner of the Hornets, creative enough in his name selection? I mean changing a team name out of the blue is big. Better be changing it to something better or you’re going to look like a total douche. In my opinion, the Hornets are cooler than the Pelicans. Just more ferocious, most people fear hornets, and if I’m being real, I’ve always had a soft spot for the Hornets ever since I used to rock a baller Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket in 96. Third grade honeys used to love that coat. Trust me. But the point is, going from the Hornets to the Pelicans seems like a downgrade. I bet in a head-to-head battle a hornet might even beat a pelican. For sure a swarm of hornets would win. Pelican would be all, ohh shit I’m about to get stung to death and then boom he’s dead.

Finally, it comes down to Benson’s reason for why he wants to change the name. Said he wants something more “identifiable with the city”. Said his first preference was the Jazz. Hey newsflash Tommy, you guys had your chance with the Jazz and you blew it back in 1979. Couldn’t keep them in the city. So, that’s clearly not an option. If it’s identifiability you’re going for, I’d wager that hornets are just about as prevalent in the city of New Orleans as pelicans. I’m not from the NO area, or anywhere near it, but I’ll tell you what, a pelican isn’t even close to the first thing that comes to mind when I think New Orleans. I think mardi gras, and bourbon street and boobs and broken levees and poor black people. So if you want something relatable, go down one of those routes.

And to end this rant, it just plain seems a bit selfish. I mean NBA teams switch cities rather often. Look at some of the weird team name-city combos we’re already working with. The LA Lakers? The Memphis Grizzlies? The Utah Jazz? None of those team names have anything to do with the cities they currently play in. Nothing. Don’t see Los Angeles bitching because there are no lakes in the LA area. Nope they just embraced the shit out of their nickname and now most people don’t even know they’re called the Lakers because they moved from Minneapolis back in the 50s. Team names are like accents, they’re not meant to change when you change cities. Oh I live in Scotland now and even though I’m from Wisconsin, I somehow picked up a Scottish accent in my 8 months here. No you didn’t you prick, you just want to sound cool so you blend in better. Bottom line is stick to your roots.

Basically, New Orleans, while I kind of understand this move, at the same time I don’t at all. Fuck the Pelicans. Do us all a favor and stick with the Hornets.

 

– JD

Sidenote: Literally, their other two ideas were the New Orleans Krewe and the New Orleans Brass. Sweet lord.

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