Your Abridged Movie Zodiac

3 12 2012

By Kleinz 57

pi 2

Over the past week, the Off Duty Mime’s been a bit like that opening to 28 Days Later. You know the part. When Cillian Murphy wakes up and wanders his self around London looking like a confused idiot. Meanwhile, we all think everyone’s just dead. ‘What the hell happened?’

Well JD McManwich is officially back now. I still feel like I should post some dick pics ad nauseum for the next few days. You know, just in case it somehow isn’t actually him. So brace your faces for that?

If you bothered to peep the Mime’s exclusive chat with Denzel last week, you may have noticed one thing: We’re switching up formats in The Mime at the Movies. Brace your faces for that, too.

We’re also multitasking, which I hear is ‘in’ these days. Now rejoice as I simultaneously guide your next theater visit and skull fuck the crap out of your own self discovery. Here’s your inaugural Off Duty Mime Zodiac.

For the following 11 options, choose the answer you most agree with:

A. We’d all be better off if movies never had any violence.
B. Bring on the blood, guts, boobs, and butts.
C. Just the butts.

A. Nothing beats a slow sunrise.
B. I already feel rainy on the inside.
C. Triple rainbow with a tornado.

A. God bless America.
B. God help us.
C. God any fours?

A. No beef for me.
B. I said extra bacon.
C. You gonna eat that?

A. 3D is money well spent
B. 3D is a rip off.
C. Why haven’t they made a Space Jam sequel?

A. Books.
B. Anything but books.
C. Why haven’t they made a Space Jam sequel?

A. Fried tofu, please.
B. Olive martinis. And keep ’em coming.
C. What do you mean those weren’t Funyuns?

A. I’ll figure it out myself.
B. Get to the damn point.
C. I’ve done the math and Hop on Pop really is an American masterwork.

A. I’m a cat person.
C. Chinchilla or ferret, but they’re both so darn delicious.

A. Fast and loose.
B. Slow and steady.
C. Wakeboard.

A. The universe is connected by unseen forces.
B. Shut up and leave me alone.
C. Fine, I’ll shut up and leave you alone.

Tally time! 

More A’s: Life of Pi. 

No brainer, you smelly idealistic hippie. It’s spiritual with fantastic colors and a powerful message about faith’s defining element in humanity. There’s also a lot of awkward narration, though, and a particularly long revelation doesn’t work nearly as well on screen, in 3D, through glasses. On the other hand: Bengal fucking tiger. If Life of Pi proves to be a spiritual wakeup call, you’ll look past its storytelling flaws and the 3D CGI marlins flying at your face and enjoy the slow, nerve-wracking ride. You’ll also enjoy those hot yoga classes you immediately sign up for afterward. And get a damn job!

More B’s: Killing Them Softly. 

You’re a cynical, selfish, and probably lonely sack of shit. Chances are you don’t have very many friends, and those that do stick around you are likely doing it out of fear for their lives. But hey, if even your friends fear you, NOTHING can stand in your way now, including the drooling goats of corporate America. They’re too blind to notice their own dead end blue collar professions are slowly strangling them to death with computer cables and cable modems. Too bad they can’t pull of a goatee like you can to tide over their inevitable demise. Fuckers.

More C’s: Really? You weren’t supposed to answer the non sequitirs ya big jerk. Erm… maybe Playing for Keeps? It looks to be nothing less than another winning Jessica Biel performance! Just butts.




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