JD: Back Again!

3 12 2012

BACK-FROM-THE-DEAD

Not sure exactly what’s happening in that picture, just came up when I googled ‘back from the dead’. Dude maybe died surfing? Who knows. The point is, I’m back. Yessir. Like Lazarus or Jason Statham in Crank, everyone might’ve thought I was dead but those fuckers were wrong. See I was kind-of dead. Big difference there folks. I used ninja focus to slow my heart and by that I mean I was super fucking sick and literally missed an entire week of life. Despite getting the flu shot earlier this year, I still got the flu. So screw America’s scientists for that royal fuck up. Maybe next I’ll get bit by a bat and my rabies vaccine will not work? Then I’ll see a rat and my plague vaccine will reverse itself? Then I’ll read a story about a mosquito and my malaria vaccine from when I was five will render itself useless? I mean what’s next?? Is this the future of American medicine?

Whatever, that’s beyond the point. The point is I was down for the count and I scratched and clawed my way back. Special thanks to my boi Kleinz 5-7 for keeping the mime afloat while I was bed-ridden. I knew he’d do it. Not even going to start with any of those other scrubs.

So while I was floating in and out of consciousness with a fever of 189, I had a lot of time to think about the things that suck most about being sick for an extended period of time. For guys like me, who rarely get sick due to extremely baller immune systems, it was a rare time of weakness. A time to realize I’m not as awesome as I thought I was. So here’s what I came up with –

sick

Dickheads making “funny” being sick comments

This usually includes the “bro you get an STD from that dong you guzzled last weekend?” or “someone’s twummy a wittle bit upset?” or “AIDS?!?”. All are suuuper fucking funny and by that I mean ungodly annoying when your real focus is not blasting the sip of chicken soup you just had all over the living room.

Fast food commercials

Obviously, there are like two things you can do when you’re sick. Sleep and watch TV. Of course, TV includes commercials. Now when you’re not sick, and hanging with friends, tuning out commercials is the way to go. But when its 11:30 AM on a tuesday and you’re by yourself on the couch, that damn Dominos commercial is fucking torture. It looks so delicious but at the same time it looks fucking awful. You wish you could eat it but you know if you smelled Dominos you’d instantly shit and yak at the same time. Fuck fast food commercials.

Going to the doctor/ER

Many times, you can avoid this by being lazy or being poor or realizing you just don’t need to do it. But sometimes, you’re so close to death that it’s like shit, I better get some medical help. Well that was me last week. Describe your symptoms please. Well I feel like I got hit by a lion driving a Honda CRV. Hmmm be more specific. I think I’m dying. Ok well take some ibuprofen as needed, and you’ll be better in no time. Great thanks doc. The doctor is the worst. Everyone knows it.

– Getting bored

Eventually, laying around and feeling like a bag of dicks gets boring. And when it does, it’s officially suicide mode. You start thinking about ways to jump out the nearest window, how to order some poison, which nearby household items you could chug to black out and on and on it goes. Watching Everybody Loves Raymond on ABC Family is only entertaining for about three hours and then it’s, hey maybe I’ll get up and do something, oh wait that’s right I can’t because my body just got rocked by the bubonic plague. It’s a real vicious cycle.

Thinking about other people having a good time

This one’s a big one. And a lot of people are going to say it’s a selfish one too. But here’s the deal, when you’re sick, thinking about other people having a blast elsewhere is goddamn infuriating. Makes you want to go to wherever their uber-fun party is at and pump swine flu virus into it. Everyone should feel your pain. That’s just how it is.

 

Well that’s all I’ve got on that topic. The bottom line is being sick blows. Thank god we’re all healthy and don’t have to live with serious illness and disease.

Plenty more hilarity coming from cap’n JD later this month, you can belie dat. Happy December everyone.

– JD

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