Overreaction Wednesday: Stupid cats

28 11 2012

By Kleinz 57

With JD McGriddle out of action (and let’s face it, probably hooked up to some kind of respiratory system at this point), I’m sorta filling in at the Mime in his absence as a kind of official unofficial “Mime Commissioner.” It’s mostly unofficial.

Oh, and your Overreaction Wednesday has arrived. Now I’ll be honest. In the cats vs. dogs debate, I’m not a “cats” person and I’m not a “dogs” person.

But I’m especially not a motherfucking cats person.

Dogs like to play catch, they’re always down to chill on the sofa, they never pay rent, and they’ll absolutely tell you when they have to pop a shit. So dogs are basically your old college roommate who never talks. Who doesn’t want that?

Cats, in short, suck. They’re bitter, lonely, selfish creatures that would probably kill you if they were just a few sizes bigger. Plus, you have to get ’em declawed just in case Satan decides to come back for his hellspawn in the middle of the night and has it gouge out your eyeballs as a permanent “F YOU” parting gift.

And if the Devil decides that you can keep his demonic felines, cats don’t want anything to do with you anyway. They go into your room and crawl under the bed, sucking on the remaining souls of any dust bunnies they can find. On the rare occasion that they do venture out into the light, a cat’s idea of being social is perching on top of the highest fucking thing in the room and staring at you. Also sucking on your soul. Probably.

Despite all that (and my violent allergic reactions to them), I can tolerate cats, which makes anyone who can do the same some kind of a demi-saint I think. What’s inexcusable though is this internet craze of cat shit everywhere ya goddamn look. You know what I’m talking about.

I think even my grandmother knows what “LOLCATS” is, and she passed away six years ago (RIP). For you lucky uninitiated few, this phenomenon amounts to finding (read: manufacturing) a photo where some combination of cats and/or kittens mimics human behavior. And it can be anything. Seriously. ANYTHING. Typing at a computer or sniping probably some helpless superior animal like a cockroach or something.

But the real charm comes from purposely misspelling whatever stupid cutesy text your terrible heart desires. “I IZ PEEIN” and “I HAZ TOO EARZ NO?” and “I KEN HAZZ ANNOYING?”

It’s exactly as juvenile as it sounds. Hey I’m all for dick and fart jokes. I’m pretty sure I started off an English final with a crack about Alfred Tennyson’s wang. I can’t really remember because I was too busy farting.

This LOLCATS craze, though… This is some kind of menace. The terrible blend of ironically using bad grammar and pretending an animal can be a human being. It all rings a little too much like some failed Soviet science experiment… *shudders*

This bullshit has spread, too. If you’ve been to .GIF Bin or What Should We Call Me? or any variation of one of these (there are DOZENS of them), you’ve undoubtedly noticed this trend already. Seriously, I just went to one and it took me all of seven seconds to find this terrible thing on page 2. That one gets a mulligan simply because they bothered to use real words and not TEYEP LYK UH FEYEV YURR OLD. 

There’s also a Cat Gif Page. Seriously. That’s what it’s called.

And it gets EVEN WORSE. Gird your loins and check out “I Can Has Cheezburger?” which just, yeah. I don’t get the name either. Anywhooo, we’re doing otters now, too. Things that are “otterly” adorable. I would gladly rescind my presidential vote in this year’s election to murder everyone involved with that pun. Sons a bitches, you.

But in perhaps a… departure for yours truly, I’d like to turn a leaf or whatever and figure exactly what I’m missing out on here. Tell me what is so great about altering pictures of domesticated allergy farms. I wanna know, color me curious.

Sorry. Let me rephrase: CULLURR MEE CYYUREEUSSS K?

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