This Week In America’s Worst Jobs: The Milk Truck

15 11 2012

Welp I found it guys. I think I found the worst of the worst jobs we’ve featured to date. So far we’ve had Dez Bryant’s baby sitters, we’ve had burying famous musicians, but I think this one takes the cake. Everyone, feast your eyes on “The Milk Truck”. Don’t let the giant titty on top fool you either, this is not a mobile strip club. Think same amount of titties, triple the number of babies, maybe add a pink couch or two then subtract about a million cool points. The Milk Truck is a traveling breast feeding station that rolls around Pittsburgh to assist breastfeeding mothers on the go. Feel free to visit their website if you’re a nursing mother in the Pittsburgh area and would like to learn more. Shout out to all the pittsburgh area breastfeeding mime readers! If you’re not that, I wouldn’t waste your time. Stick with the mime, we’ll break this thing down for you and we’ll leave the saggy nip suckling out of it.

According to the website, some art teacher named Jill thought up the idea. I’ll let her explain:

“The Milk Truck is a combination of guerilla theater, activism and a little slapstick humor. Yes, we have a truck with a giant boob on the roof. There’s a reason for making The Milk Truck – to create a mobile breastfeeding unit that allows mothers to feed their babies in places where they have been discouraged – restaurants, shopping malls, public spaces, etc. Babies should be able to eat anywhere. And everywhere”


First things first, babies should most definitely not be able to eat anywhere. Let’s make that one clear. Off the top of my head I can think of quite a few places babies shouldn’t eat in. The gym? A liquor store? My living room? Applebees? All places that should most definitely ban babies eating, and babies in general for that matter. I’ve done some reading and I’m pretty sure like 90% of America’s babies are obese so a couple hours of no eating while Mom gets 2 entrees for $20 aint gonna kill em.

Even though there are a couple things about this truck I can get down with, like a giant titty on the roof and the fact that wherever it goes it basically quarantines nursing mothers. Both of those aspects are cool. But then I read about the ‘activism’ and what not and I have to switch my views. Listen, I’m all for mothers rights. Go moms! You guys rule! But breastfeeding in public rights I cannot get down with. It’s nasty, end of story. I remember when I was at Disney World back in the day and we were on the monorail and some fat Eastern European woman straight up whipped out tit and started letting her gaggle of children suckle to their hearts content. First, pretty sure that was the first live tit I ever saw. Not a good start. Second, this is America. Unless you’re hot you can’t show your breasticles in public. That’s how our founding fathers laid it out. You don’t like it? Go back to knitting Nike shoes for shekels in Bulgaria.

Many businesses discourage breastfeeding for one simple reason. People don’t want to see it. Not trying to watch the circle of life unfold at table 16 while I munch on this You-Pick-Two at Panera Bread. It’s bad for business. If you have one of those massive covers that looks like the things they put on you when you’re getting x-rays, be my guest. But blatant feeding just doesn’t fly with most people.

So naturally, the guy who has to drive this thing around all day is automatically in the worst jobs ever category.

Hey Phil, it’s been a while man!…Still at Home Depot stockin shelves? Nah, movin on up. I drive a breastfeeding mobile now. Jesus h…hey, not to be too forward but I know this guy who does assisted suicides…

Some of you might be thinking, dude think of the MILF possibilities! It wouldn’t be that bad, plus it’d be such a rewarding job. Really? Because no it fucking wouldn’t. It would suck (ha! see what I did there?). Sure occasionally there might be a hottie but given the time-since-birth among other factors you’ve gotta assume the clientele aren’t even close to on their A game. Plus, you know how new mothers are. Everyone and their cat must bow to them. It’s them and baby Madisyn first, everyone else after. And of course, babies. Tons of crying, hungry babies. Everywhere.

I wouldn’t even pay Mike Rowe to do an episode of dirty jobs in that milk mobile.


– JD




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