Overreaction Wednesday: Let’s Drop the Act, Short-Haired Ladies

14 11 2012

By Kleinz 57

Regardless of who you actually voted for this past election, I think we can all agree that Barry’s got a lot on his plate to fix. Improving relations with the Chinese Government. Continuing to lower that pesky unemployment rate. National deficit-ness. But the biggest crisis facing the Obama Administration? Getting to the bottom of this short-haired ladies bull shiz.

I’m not talking about a “bob” here either. This thing has gone full jihad and taken that WHOLE back straight off. Straight off.

Blame my sudden outburst on Anne Hathaway if you must, but ever since resident GQ man JD McGriddle waxed sexual on ladies n’ bangs, the OD Mime has become something of an expert on pop hairstyles. Why Hathaway, though? As some of you might know, Catwoman had to chop her locks off for a role in the upcoming sap-fest Lez Mizerabullz. What you may NOT know, is that the Actress Formerly Known As Anne Fapaway is doubling down on the short hair thang.

She’s fucking keeping it.

Pictured: Andrew Garfield, Hathaway

Why? Dear God why? Can anyone say with an iota of sanity or seriousness that LEFT looks better than RIGHT?

And ‘It’s cute’ doesn’t count. That’s dodging the fucking question. Do these jeggings make me look like a hippopotamus? They don’t not NOT make you look like one… Mr. President, what do you make of your administration’s response to the Benghazi attack? Something America, something freedom… Chipotle or Q*doba? Not Taco Bell… Doesn’t this haircut make me look like Justin Bieber? Well I think it’s cute. DIE THE SLOWEST OF DEATHS.

This, Dearest OD Mime Faithful, is but the latest of casualties from the ebola virus currently sweeping issues of Cosmo and Perez Hilton blog posts nationwide. And we’ve let it survive and infect for far too long.

Since we’re peachy keen on the list makin’ here, I present to you the most recent string of casualties:

Mad Men’s Elisabeth Moss, who already confirmed on that show she needs to mind her hairstyles very carefully, just said FUCK IT and went nuts. Needless to say, I’m looking forward to her performance as Troll #2 in The Hobbit.

Miley. Ohhhhhhh Miley. For a while, America was convinced all the TMZ and paparazzi and tabloid coverage and early childhood fame deprived you of a normal life and turned you into some kind of monster. And then you proved us all right and got a haircut in a Filipino bathroom.

Lena Dunham, quickly becoming a major voice in comedy and entertainment, just set her cause back a year. Or however long it takes to grow out that sweet Vulcan bowl cut.

Now at this point you might be thinking, Hey dink face. You just found a bunch of unflattering short hair pics and juxtaposed them with those hot-lookin’ Long Hairs. Not true. I actually looked for pictures where short-haired women looked amah-zing. They don’t fucking exist.

Even Michelle Williams, who since her break out on Dawson’s Crack has ALWAYS looked great, just sullied her standing with every straight man in the lower 49 (note: to Hell with Alaska). Michelle might be the worst offender here, too. Why? Because she KNOWS it looks turrbull. EXHIBIT A:

The only people who like [my hair] are gay men and my girlfriends. Straight men across the board are not into this hair!

Holy shit, you are so busted.

There you have it, folks. Straight from them. Straight from THEY. They know it looks bad.

Now I’m not about to go on some misguided verbal rampage of sexism and homophobia, but if we were to get all hyperbolic here and extrapolate one person’s quote on the rec to EVERY SINGLE WOMAN EVER, it’s pretty clear there’s some kinda conspiracy at work. Yes, I am aware that not every woman only takes men into consideration with the choices they make as it should be in this century women’s suffrage Susan B. Anthony. But we’ve all been duped into thinking this terrible fad is trendy and cool and chic. *BARFS*

If Williams ain’t even getting any with that short do, it’s pretty clear this Fashion Ebola has backfired and hurt everyone. Dear Straight Men of America. We know we used to look amazing. Now we look like One Direction. Eat your heart out!

Of course, as much as I hate moderation, there are a few exceptions:

1. Anyone with a terminal illness or undergoing therapy to prevent dying from some terrible disease. That’s an obvious one.

2. Gay and bi women? You can do whateva you like. I get that there are uncomfortable gendered associations that come with being expected to put your hair back in a ponytail 365 days a year. That’s cool. I can get down with that.

3. Moms across the planet get a lifetime pass to do whatever the fuck they want with their hurr. I wouldn’t want any part of all that late 40’s hormonal confusion and child rearing either. I’d probably do the same if I had to juggle three snot-nosed bacteria colonies while keeping my menopausal self-destruction at bay long enough not to strangle my P.O.S. alcoholic husband, who’s passed out on the floor in his crusty Seattle Sonics jersey and nothing else. Yeesh. Old man dong. So yes, mothers, I fully understand your need to do whatever the hell you can to stave off becoming a walking, talking estrogen IED. Indefinite Free Pass granted.

4. Doubly so for Grannies. You’ve suffered enough. Shave it all off and worry about more important things like your front lawn or whether or not that AARP The Magazine came a day late. Kids these days.

To the remainder of America’s female population: no excuse! And now that you know A. men don’t like it and B. it doesn’t get you more attention, why not start the revolution now?

To help illustrate the benefits of such a change, let’s do a reverse on this social hepatitis. Let’s go from short to LONG with a single poetic Barbadian example.

EXHIBIT Suck It

Reehonnah rocked the short hair for God knows how long. Probably since “Umbrella” dropped. And I can safely reassure all of America that Rihanna is in fact not a twelve year old boy. THIS, Women of America. THIS is your luscious lock of hope. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And the tunnel is from a Pacific Island or something.

One last thing, and I was saving this because I don’t wanna field 817 comments pointing out the obvious. There is a single, lone Hollywood seductress who has defied convention, has flipped the double bird to my angry missive here and actually pulled off the short haircut. That woman, of course, is Halle.

Yes, yes. Laugh it up, people. Laugh it ALL up. Halle Berry still looks great with the short stack. But before you celebrate too soon, I’ll ask: What would you say if Halle grew OUT her hair? Better yet, what would you say if she still looked great? One might be inclined to think she’s been a resident smoke show simply because she’s that good lookin, and that her hair has actually been an irrelevant factor all these years, thus rendering any and all short hair rebuttals… moot.

…well?

I rest the shit out of my case.

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One response

8 11 2013
Junior Rocky

Short hair NEVER looks good on ANY woman, no matter how it is cut or styled! Period!

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