Guys I’d Rather See Coaching The Lakers

13 11 2012

 

 

As everyone knows, the LA Lakers shocked the basketball world yesterday morning by hiring former Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni. Given his massive failure of an attempt to coach a super-team in New York last year, most people figured he was a long shot for the job. Meanwhile, the Brett Favre of basketball coaches, Phil Jackson, was rumored to be more than likely coming out of retirement again to rally the troops and win like six more rings. Psych. Turns out the Lake show essentially told Phil Jackson and his mountain house in Montana to suck a big one, and signed D’Antoni for a 3 year/$12 million deal.

We can assume D’Antoni’s reaction was exactly like that picture.

Huh? What? They actually want me? Damn. IDIOTS! Wait, how much money?? Sheeeet…I’m rich motherfuckers! 

I’ve never been a big D’Antoni fan, kind of always thought the guy was a perennial loser. Always seemed like he was just a couple Pokemon cards short of an Asian kid, or however that old saying goes. And let’s make one thing clear, he’s a major stache-poser. That thing is a disgrace to mustaches across the globe. Stan Van Gundy’s mustache is rolling in its grave and as far as I know it’s not even dead. But wanna-be stache aside, the dude hasn’t done jack shit as a head coach and he’s had a boatload of talent. Everyone says it’s because he’s strictly an offensive minded coach. I think it’s more the fact all his players thinks he’s a boner but maybe that’s just me.

Only time will tell whether or not this was a mistake of a hire, but for now I’ll stick with my boy Stephen A. and say it’s not looking good and the dude hasn’t even put on his purple and yellow jock strap yet.

In standard mime fashion I’d like to give America, and Jimmy Buss, a quick list of some candidates I feel should’ve been considered in the new coach selection process. I’m not a Lakers fan (T-Wolves til I die mother fuggas!) but since I consider myself a bit of an NBA insider, I figured hey a few friendly suggestions can’t hurt, right? Mitch Kupchak n the gang might’ve already made their selection, but hopefully the Lake-show front office will keep these guys in mind for the future.

 

Jeff Van Gundy

 

It’s always tough seeing that shiny dome behind an ESPN mic instead of on the bench where he belongs. If the Lakers are cool with another kinda-failed Knicks coach, call up JVG. Dude’s a boss. Plus those hipster specs will be drawz dampeners on the sunset strip during the off season.

Shaq

 

I know he’s a part-time cop and he has a comedy jam tour, among other things, but don’t even look at me if you think Shaq wouldn’t be a great NBA coach. First ever coach/player combo? Pau and Dwight are both out with knee injuries? No biggie guys, suit up the Shaq-tus.

Coach Carter

 

I’m not even talking the real Coach Carter, that guy probably has enough on his plate with the whole team of scrubs from the wrong side of the tracks turned academic allstars/ballers thing. I’m saying use that $12 milli to hire Samuel L. to impersonate Coach Carter on the Lakers bench for the next three seasons.

Jack Nicholson & Morgan Freeman

 

Tell me that one two punch wouldn’t be the best coach-assistant coach combo ever assembled? Motivation for days. Morgan Freeman doesn’t even need to know how to coach basketball. Just say some stuff in the huddle and the team will find a way to get it done.

Mark Madsen

Mad dog’s gotta be looking for a coaching gig these days. What better place than the team where he earned his first title?

Coach Norton

 

Whadda expect? It’s the goddamn off duty mime. Coach Norton’s obviously going to show up on this list. Hey…if you can dream it, you can do it.

Eric Musselman

 

The mussel man got straight jewed out of a job in Sacramento. I mean one measly DUI? Sorry for liking to get my buzz on while behind the wheel, sheesh. I know he’s probably sitting on his apple sauce empire millions, but if I know Eric Musselman like I think I do, he’d coach the Lake show in a heartbeat.

Rick Fox

 

If someone asked me, JD, what’s the ideal Lakers coach look like? I’d say, without a second of hesitation, google image search Rick Fox bro, there’s your answer. Guy was built to coach the Lake show.

 

You’re welcome ahead of time, Mr. Buss. Eight solid options for the Lakers next head coach. No need to toss me some commish on the media rights when you hire one of these guys, I do this stuff for the love of the game, not for the cheddar.

– JD

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