OW: Chillin With Grizzly Bears

7 11 2012

On this presidential election morn I figured it best to drop an OW about something that isn’t boring as shit political. I think we’re all a little politic’d out. Thanks everybody on FB for your closing thoughts on the election results, they really made my day. Never thought I’d say this, but can you all please just go back to posting pictures of your yummy home cooked gluten-free meals and 6 month old nephew, Weston’s, baptism? Great.

Regardless of who our nation’s next president is, one thing remains the same. Crazy nut-job nature freaks will continue to hang out with Grizzly Bears. And like clockwork, those same crazy nut-job nature freaks will continue to get eaten by those same bears. This week was no different. A news story broke on Monday morning of a Grizzly trainer who was mauled to death at a zoo in Montana. Sad story for sure, but it just seems like the frequency of these type of stories could be significantly lowered if every human on planet earth joined the school of thought that GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR GRIZZLY BEARS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

Let’s take a peek at what exactly went down in the most recent battle of Grizzly vs. Man. Apparently the trainer, who was “highly experienced” and “had the right safety equipment” slipped and fell and an hour later they found him inside the belly of three enormous Grizzlies…

The bears, pictured above, are known as Adam, Griz and Yosemite. Before we go any farther, what kind of dipshit named these bears? Adam?? Who names a bear Adam? I guess Griz is somewhat acceptable…see it makes sense because he’s a Griz, but isn’t that kind of like naming your dog, Pooch? Just seems lazy. Out of the three, Yosemite is the only somewhat normal bear name. So if I was a zoo keeper and someone told me, “yo JD, can you do me a solid and go feed Adam?”, I’d probably assume he wanted me to make his little brother a PB&J, or at the very least, feed his pet goat. I’d roll into that cage whistlin away, maybe carrying a bucket of goat feed take one step in the cage and boom, my sac just got ripped off by a bear.

So from the get-go, these bears were clearly pissed with their incredibly gay names. I know I’d be pissed off if I was named Adam and I’m not a 1500 lb monster. Not a good start for the trainer. The zoo goes on to assure us he armed with the right safety equipment. What, two AR-15’s? Did he drive into the cage in a bullet-proof Hummer? Because anything less than that is nowhere near the “right” equipment. The guy probably had some pepper spray and a cattle prod. That’ll help when a furry killing machine is scalping you alive.

Finally, to add insult to this guy’s terrible bear raping of a death, the zoo claims it wasn’t a deliberate attack and instead an accident. These bears are docile creatures, they’d never deliberately attack such a veteran zoo keeper. Really? Because if I know bears like I think I know bears, pretty much all they do is deliberately attack shit. All you’ve gotta do is watch about a 10 minute clip of Nat Geo to understand bears see a living creature in the wild and within seconds its dead as fuck. I saw a stuffed bear once at the science museum and I basically shit my pants in fear. I’m sorry if I find it hard to believe the attack wasn’t deliberate.

Basically this boils down to the fact that some people are stupid. If you’ve seen the movie Grizzly Man, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And Grizzly Bears are just one example of this, but essentially over and over again, guys think it’s cool to live in harmony with bears. Notice I say guys, because I’m fairly confident no woman has ever moved to the Yukon to shack up with a few Polar Bears for a year. Women stick to monkeys. These dudes think they have a special connection with wild beasts, that there’s a mutual respect between them and the bears blah blah, blah blah. Every. Single. Time…they get ate. Yet somehow new generations of bear lovers never learn. Nope! Won’t happen to me, these bears are actually more afraid of me than I am of them. Nope! Won’t happen to me, they’ve actually accepted me into their bear family. Nope! Papa Smooches, that’s what I call him, would never hurt me because I’m a trained professional. Like an infatuated fifth grader who’s girlfriend just got boobs, they’re blind to the most obvious reason why shits about to hit the fan. They’re BEARS. They sleep,poop and murder. That’s it. So once they wake up from their long winters nap and pop out a deuce in the river get ready because it’s murdering time.

Please crazy nature whack jobs, do us all a favor and stop kickin it with bears. While it is hilarious to hear you getting ate, one by one, the more bears acquire a taste for human flesh, the more likely they are to start a bear army and fight us for the rights to planet earth. Then we’d really be fucked.

– JD




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