Timberwolves: Vanilla Takeover?

1 11 2012

Lately everyone south of the north pole has been up in arms over the white-ness of the 2012-2013 Minnesota Timberwolves. Civil rights leaders in the Twin Cities have come forth claiming ticket sales conspiracy, sporting news outlets have said it’s the whitest roster since the 1980s Celtics, people alleging David Kahn is a racist have emerged in all corners of the internet. Basically, America is having a real hard time coming to terms with a modern day NBA roster featuring only five black players. Of course, this “issue” has merit because current statistics put the league at over 75% black. And let’s be real, it’s been that way for a while now. Why? Well it’s obvious. Black people are good as hell at basketball. Always have been, always will be. Don’t know if its based on demographic sport preference, athletic ability, genetics or what. I’m not a scientist yo. I’m just a guy. A guy who knows fax is fax. And this fax machine says the majority of the best players in the best basketball league in the world are of African American descent.

So what’s the big deal then, JD? Why am I constantly reading controversial articles about David Kahn purposely assembling a majority non-black squadron? I can’t answer that with certainty, but I can fucking try. Basically how uncle mcgridd sees it is this. The stat about the Twolves being the “whitest” team since the Larry Bird era Celtics is, from what I wikipedia’d, true. So, its been roughly 25 years since anyone has seen a team of honkeys tearing up the NBA. That’s a lot of years. Basically my entire life. So, understandably, in our walk-on-eggshells politically correct pussified day-and-age, people see a NBA team with only five black guys and instantly drop the race card. Wait, actually they drop the entire deck of race cards. They throw race cards at everyone like Jeremy Piven in Smokin Aces. Why? Couple of reasons. One, it’s easy. Two, it was inevitable. Three, as a media outlet, the risk is higher not to and get called out for ignoring it.

Let’s reverse the roles for a quick minute to illustrate my point. Say, for example one year a majority hispanic NHL roster emerged. People would freak the fuck out. Holy tits Mexico has ice rinks? Sure they didn’t get lost on the way to soccer practice? I can’t imagine chalupas and nachos are a good pre-hockey meal? It would be the biggest sports story ever. But it would be a fucking feel good story. OMG all these banditos overcame being hispanic to dominate the NHL. 30 for 30 material like non other. And the same goes for basically any other race dominating a sport they don’t usually thrive in. It’s different so it’s news. But because the Twolves are majority “white” and that term is debatable, it’s instantly a white supremacy conspiracy theory. Now granted, white people have nobody to blame but themselves and their history for this. But he point is, it’s essentially country-wide knee jerk reaction to a massive coincidence.

If you’re thinking I’m in denial because I’m a white male from Minnesota you’re probably right. And don’t get me wrong, Davey Kahn probably took a look at his roster after he traded for Chase Buddinger and drafted Robbie Hummel in the same week and was like, “Fuuuuck me. We’re white as hell this year.” But in no way is it a mo fuggin conspiracy. No. Way.

Personally, I like to think of it as a much needed shake of the dice. Evidently, the 75% black thing wasn’t working for the Wolves. Ever. Sure we had one Western Conference Finals appearance in 2004, but that’s basically it folks. Since then, cheering for the Wolves has been about as fun as being a Cleveland Browns fan with AIDS. Might as well mix it up a bit. Tap the shit out of the European markets, see what happens. And I’m not saying our lack of white guys was the problem by any means. Aside from Tom Gugliotta and Wally Sczczczczczcerbiak, its been nothing but shitty white players (Cherokee Parks, Christian Laettner, Michael Doleac, etc.).

So if building a quality basketball team is racist then call Dave Kahn motherfucking John Rocker. Just don’t be surprised when the vanilla diesel train runs over a city near you this season. Like goddamn Hurricane Sandy…too soon?

Hey, we might be whiter than Michelle Williams, but we’re also badass as hell.  You can belie dat.

Check it –

Proof is in the tapioca pudding.

– JD




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