The Mime’s guide to Halloween Candy

31 10 2012

Halloween is upon us once again, boys and ghouls. Get out your Power Rangers costumes out and grab your pillow case. Time to gear up for zero-hour. Once the sun officially goes down it’s every Bat-man for himself. Make no mistake, it’s one of the most important nights of the fall. It can make or break the rest of your year. Cash in on a good haul and you’ll be crushing top notch candy daily until at least early December. Trading fun sized sour skittles for boobie grabs at recess, just living large. Wind up hitting a lame neighborhood and you could be looking at a long and lonesome November nibbling on Mounds by yourself in the corner.

But what exactly is it that makes a great trick-or-treating night? What factors matter the most? Great question. Luckily you’re in the presence of a trick-or-treating legend. Honestly y’all, it’s a bunch of different things. To begin, let’s keep it simple and stay within the golden years of trick-or-treating for this one. I’m talking ehhh the 9-13 range. Basically, from around the time when your folks let you roll in a crew with just one parent walking behind to make sure there are no rapings/murders, to the years when you were almost too old, but the candy cravings were too much to hang up the sack for good. Little sidenote: your boy JD went trick or treating all the way up to Junior year of high school. Yep. Can you say Ballin!? I will say people were a little pissed a 6’4″ dude was at their doorstep, but hey, don’t hate the hustle. I had a hefty Rainbow Nerds addiction at the time.

Anyways, ahhh the golden years. In the weeks leading up to the big day, tensions were high. Who was trick-or-treatin with who? Had to make sure everyone was on the same page. Couldn’t have your younger sister tag along and hold you back. Couldn’t roll with the dude who one-upped everyone with a TV episode worn Power Rangers costume, yet you can’t go with the guy with the little brother who’s dressed up as a cute little teddy bear. Both those scenarios mean more good candy for them, less for you. And above all, be sure your whole crew is dressed warm. Can’t have Seth from down the block complaining the whole time and ending things early because his TMNT costume split down the middle he’s cold. Nut up Seth. I’m freezing too, don’t see me bitchin about it.

Now if you keep plans tight, there’s about a 95% chance you’ll rake in a good haul. But. Notice I used the word but. That 5% chance things go wrong hinges on the neighborhood you chose and the people that live there. What kind of people are they? Are they old? Are there any 6th graders looking to whoop ass? How many sex offenders live there? Is it a mirage-hood and the first houses have king sized bars but then the next four are out of town? That’s the problem. You never know until you ring that first doorbell. It’s a massive gamble.

And at the end of the night, it boils down to the variety of candy you get. And as everyone knows, different people like different candy. But some candy is universally hated. No matter what, it’s getting passed over during the initial candy-inventory when you get home. Sometime it’s not even fucking candy! So here’s a list of the worst trick-or-treating finds. Kids, if you see any of this stuff being dropped in your bag, SPRINT THE OTHER WAY!


10. Tootsie Rolls

The longer ones are just barely passable, but cmon, who actually likes these? Even tootsie pops are lame.

9. Sweet Tarts

If you get a single packet of sweet tarts at a house, chances are they’re Jewish and also Satan. They’re the urinal cake of candy.

8. Almond Joy

Peter Paul needs to check himself befo he wrecks himself. Nothing joyful about almonds wrapped in shitty coconut goo.

7. Homemade shit

Yeah ummm I’m gonna pass on your poison filled cookies

6. Bubble Gum

More like double TROUBLE. Because it loses its flavor in ten seconds and then you’re in trouble of needing to find a garbage can to spit it out.

5. Milk Duds

Pretty tasty candy…goddamn orthodontic nightmare. yeah these thick carmel gooey drops are gonna go well with the four retainers spot welded to my jaw bone.

4. Bit-O-Honeys

Michael Myers should re-route his Halloween killings schedule directly to whichever douche gives out bit o honeys.

3. Raisins

Not gonna lie I’d totally plow that sun maid raisins chick. But finding a box of Raisins in the bottom of your sack is basically worse than finding an AIDS needle. At least you can poke your pals with the needle. Raisins just sit there.

2. Whoppers

Taste like dog shit and they feel weird to bite into. Two strikes you’re out, whoppers. (Secret Bonus: Parents will usually take these bitches off your hands)

1. York Peppermint Patty

That commercial is bullshit. Only “sensation” you get when eating one is, damn did I just take a bite of ass?


Honorable Mention:

Tooth brushes and floss

School supplies

Those dicks that roll around with the UNICEF coin collector

Partially wrapped chocolate coins (razor blade city, folks)

[Hey JD! Why aren’t dum dums on the list those BLOW. No they fucking do not. Dum dums are my shiz nit.]

From everyone here at the mime, we want to wish all the kiddies a safe and happy halloween. If anyone gives you any of the candy on that list, my advice to you would be punch them in the dick and/or titty and dead sprint to the next house.


– JD




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