Northern Xposure: Your NFC North Mid Season Run Down

30 10 2012

Despite the unanimous hate for Northern Xposure by Mime compadres and writers alike, we’re still. here. y’all. No h8 mail is going to keep me from writing an un-funny and un-qualified NFC North blog and you can bet your bottom dollar on that.

Now, instead of re-hashing the shit-fest that was yesterday’s contest between the Packers and the Jaguars, I’m going to drop a totally unbiased run down of what we’ve seen in the first eight weeks of the 2012 NFL season. By the way, if you missed it, the Packers won on sunday. Barely. Not quite as “barely” as the Bears, but it was way too close. I think Blaine “captain douche face” Gabbert shredding GB’s secondary for over 300 yards is evidence enough that we’re already missing the shit out of Chuck Woodson. Hopefully facing Johnny “I suck balls” Skelton (pretty clever huh?) next week will give a few of the secondary youngsters that confidence boost they need heading into matchups against Matt Stafford and Eli Manning following the bye.

So. What have we learned so far in 2012?

A lot yo. Feel like I’m back in AP calculus class we’ve learned so much. Just kidding I wasn’t ever in AP Calc.

 

In Minnesota, we learned that having two athletic super-freaks on offense is enough to make up for a shitty defense, a young mediocre QB and a coach who’s conservative play calling makes everyone miss the shit out of Denny Green.

We learned that Megatron was maybe the worst #5 overall pick in fantasy, ever. Aside from maybe Chris Johnson last year of course.

We learned that Greg Jennings, from what we know, is going to have emergency vaginal removal surgery to fix his “groin issue”.

We learned that Jay Cutler is still an incredibly whiny biotch of a quarterback and probably always will be.

But

Like 2006, the monsters of the midway find ways to win (ehem, ehem…Charles Tillman)

We learned that Jim Schwartz still looks like a douchey gopher, and unless crazy shit happens in Detroit the second half of the season, add Browns offensive coordinator to his resume, right in front of acorn gatherer.

We learned the possibility of having a 1,000 yard rusher in Green Bay was too good to be true. On the plus side, Cedric and Santonio Holmes can nurse their dual lisfranc injuries together.

Finally, we learned that despite Chicago’s two game lead, the NFC North race is still wide fucking open.

– JD

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