Papa Peyton’s…I mean John’s

26 10 2012


For the last three years, Peyton Manning has been teaming up with Papa John Schnatter for a cluster-fuck of Papa John’s commercials. Most of them have been terrible, some of them are at best, moderately amusing and I think maybe one of them was kinda funny. And keep in mind I think Peyton Manning is a funny dude.

Some of those Mastercard commercials are pure gold. Yet for some reason, (probably that Papa John Schnatter is a grade A chach-bag) all of Peyton’s Papa John’s ads are garbage.

So when I heard that Peyton is buying 21 Denver-area Papa John’s franchises, I was straight pissed yo. Seriously Peyton? You’re getting in bed with Papa Johnny Schnatter? I mean granted, you were already in bed with the dude. But you hadn’t given up the back door yet bro! Save it for marriage! Papa John Schnatter doesn’t love you for real, he just loves parts of you. Like your giant forehead and your comb over and your shoulder pads. It feels like the time my best pal was being used by a chick for his magnum dong. She didn’t like him, she just couldn’t get enough of his magic stick. I wanted to say something real bad, like brah get out before it’s too late. But I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I, you ask? Because it was already too late, folks.

Same concept here. Peyton’s been hanging with “Papa” John Schnatter for far too long. Getting beers after work, helping each other move, donating money when the other does a 5K for the cure, arguing about how many free pizzas to give away on a football field. And now this. They’re basically best bros from what I can tell. I bet Papa John, who probably isn’t a real father thus furthering his phony status, was probably like “yo P-bone (that’s his nickname for Peyton), you should buy 21 of my restaurants.” And Peyton was like, “Oh, I don’t know Big Daddy Schnattz (that’s what he calls Papa John) I’m already filthy rich, not really trying to get in the fast food game.” Then Papa John was like, “but dude, remember? Better ingredients…better pizza.” And at that point Peyton already had his checkbook out.

But why is this a big deal, JD? Because it just fucking is, brah. Think about it, not only are we subject to years and years of more lame Papa John’s – Peyton Manning commercials but we’re also looking at a possible new socialite duo that will put Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton to shame. They’ll make the Two Corey‘s (minus the one Corey because he’s dead and all) look like a couple idiots. They’ll make Cheech and Chong stop smoking. I can picture it now. Pizza baron and star QB hit the posh NY nightclub scene til 5am! Peyton and Papa out of control? Better ingredients, better…cocaine binges? Little Caesar organizes intervention for Papa “party animal” John. The headlines basically write themselves.

And I, for one, refuse to sit back and watch it happen. I love Papa John’s pizza too much. I hate their commercials even more. Hey let’s organize a mob and burn down all of Peyton’s pizza restaurants in Denver!! Who’s with me!?!? Ok, apparently nobody. Whatever. Screw you guys. Have fun with your pizza joints, Mr. Manning. I’ll be exclusively eating at Dominos from now on.


– JD




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