OW: Club 33

24 10 2012

Yesterday, I read an article about a member of the top-secret Disneyland club, Club 33, who’s recently been spilling the club’s beans on Reddit.com. Supposedly, the member known as ‘IAMA Club 33 member’ (killer name brah) has been answering questions about Club 33 on live chat forums. People have long-speculated on the unimaginable magic that lies within a secret, exclusive club started by Walt Disney himself. Actually, the club’s had a wikipedia page for some time now, but let’s be real, who get’s information from Wikipedia? I, for one, never used wikipedia as my only source on high school and college papers and projects. C’mon. Only suckers get info from wikipedia. Idiot loser suckers.

But let’s get back to this Club 33.

Here are some club deets:

– Membership costs $35,000 per year

– It’s located “deep within” New Orleans Square in Disneyland in Anaheim, CA

– The club opened in the 1960s and the waiting list is rumored to be 14 years

– Benefits include – valet parking, automatic upgrades at Disney properties, reserved seating at shows, a private car on the Disney Railroad, immediate fast passes, private behind-the-scenes tours, invites to special events and first priority when making reservations for family and friends

– Dinner at the restaurant costs on average $150

– The club is packed with original Disney memorabilia

– Tom Hanks and Jack Nicholson hang out there

Ok, woah.

Let me be the first to ask the obvious question, what type of Mickey Mouse organization are we dealing with here? Seems like the lamest secret club ever. Here I am picturing a fantasy land where members roll up in pumpkin chariots to all the pots and pans and candelabras from Beauty & The Beast singing a catchy tune. Then Jasmine, Snow White and Minnie Mouse emerge from behind a curtain and do the Cupid Shuffle until a bed bigger than Al Jefferson’s lowers from the ceiling for a Disney lesbo-orgy. Meanwhile, Captain Hook and Peter Pan fight on the bow of a pirate ship and there’s even a special room for tripping balls with Alice In Wonderland. Then Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen corpse jolts to life to draw caricatures of every member in attendance and everyone hits a golden encrusted buffet until the wee hours of the morning.

Well keep dreaming JD, because Club 33 has zero of those things. But, hey we’ve got valet parking so there’s that. Oh and dinner costs $150 bucks so don’t forget your wallet when you check your coat. Is this club serious? I went to PF Changs a couple weeks ago, pretty sure they had valet parking AND Tom Hanks was there. I tell you what, Walt Disney is a sneaky motherfucker with this “club”. Hey everyone pay me $35 Gs a year and all your wildest Disney fantasies will come to life! Oh wait just playin, here’s a steak dinner and check out this original sketch of Steamboat Willie I drew on a napkin!

But then, like one more SoCo Lime shot at bar close, it hit me. This ‘IAMA Club 33 member’ dude isn’t a member, he’s just on the Disney payroll. There’s no question about it. Walt’s frozen dome paid some guy to go on social media sharing websites and spit lies about Club 33. “Ohh they have special access to concerts and shows”, “Ohh, I heard Club 33 is opening up more memberships” lie, lie, super-lie. But the lies work! Suddenly, people like you and I are intrigued yet at the same time, we’re thinking, this Club trey-trey sounds like a rip-off. Because when it comes down to it, the public perception of this club means nothing.

In reality, the Club is probably beyond your wildest dreams. Guaranteed, a membership card comes with a complimentary BDSM session with Ursula from the Little Mermaid. Guaranteed, original recipe Four Loko is still served at that bar. Guaranteed, on your birthday Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother increases the length of your dong by 5 inches (for those keeping track at home that puts me at 6.25!). But keep in mind, this is Disney we’re talking about. Non-members could never, ever know the secrets of the club. It’s definitely a blood-in, blood-out situation. If you want out of the Rollin’ Disneys, you better be ready for human sacrifice.

So bravo, Disney. Bra-fucking-vo. You might have fooled America, but the mime knows the truth. Now, PLEAAASSSSEEE let me join your club.

– JD

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