This Mystery Michigan Man is My Goddamn Hero

23 10 2012

This morning, yet another Bieber lawsuit story made gossip headlines. As expected, it’s got all the makings of totally ridiculous, completely untrue legal action against the Biebinator. But, upon further inspection, the alleged lawsuit is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read and I figured I needed to educate mime nation on its genius.

Shout out to TMZ for “obtaining the documents”.

Prior to giving you a rundown of the hilarious claims, let me begin by saying Biebs is getting sued a lot lately. And every lawsuit seems to be lamer than the next. I understand J Biebs is an easy target, but holy dong these last few attempts to sue him have been really weak. First some chick tried to say Justin raw-dogged her backstage at a concert and is the father of her child. Well it turned out the accuser looked like she got rocked in the face with a shovel, and everyone knows Justin only fathers illegitimate children with dimes. Verdict: lawsuit dropped. Then some whiny mom said her eardrums were blown off at one of Justin’s concerts and she wanted $9 milli in damages. Ahh, duh lady. It’s a fuggin Bieber concert, Shelly. From what I’ve heard, you don’t leave until your ears no longer exist. Have you heard ‘Boyfriend’? Shit BUMPS yo. Verdict: Biebs should get an easy W. Finally, lately Biebs has even been in legal struggles with some online video game developer who created a game called Joustin’ Beaver. Verdict: Biebs is about to win this one too.

As you can see, suing Justin is hot in the clubs right now. It’s really too bad too, because I imagine Justin is a very busy man. Rolling around dampening panties worldwide, dropping amazing tunes 24/7, plowing Selena Gomez on the reg, he’s got a full schedule. Plus he’s got a radiant South Cali bronze to keep up. Can’t be losing prime GTL time sitting in courthouses hearing broads bitch about broken ears.

So needless to say, like any other Belieber, I was a little fed up with all these lawsuits….that is, until I heard today’s. Today’s news was so earth-shattering it made me not only reconsider Justin Bieber as a role-model, but it also made me reconsider my path-to-riches 10 year game plan. I mean here I am, sitting at a desk, trying to dominate corporate America/blog my way to a life of luxury like a total n00b. Instead, I should be scheming against rich celebrities who’ve wronged me. Maybe slap Uncle Kracker with a $10 million sexual assault lawsuit for ignoring my incessant tweets? Boom. I’m loaded and I’ll never have to hear ‘Smile’ ever again.

If I’ve lost you by now, hold up. Don’t leave until you read a few of the best excerpts from this guy’s lawsuit against Bieb-nation. Keep in mind he’s an unnamed Michigan man who claims he’s Selena Gomez’ father, and that Justin Bieber stole his American Express card.


“Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug.

“Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums.”

“[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones.”

“Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card. “


Damn Justin! You crazyyyy!

99.99999% chances are this entire thing is a joke and/or fake, but I consider myself a bit of a romantic and I like to side with the .0000001% chance it’s true. And in that case, Mr. Gomez has been through a lot. Think about it, dude is just trying to wrap his mind around the fact that his daughter is getting piped all day and all night by America’s heartthrob. On top of that, she’s a pop star and is probably too busy making millions to play catch in the back yard with her pops. Then, Justino shows up, snipes his AmEx and buys a bunch of penis enlargements. Some respect there, huh? Hey Pops, don’t mind me I’m just going to lengthen my already moose-like cock so I can increase your daughter’s pleasure. PS – if you fight back, I’ll send my boi Ursher to your house to sodomize you with a roman candle.

I’m no lawyer, but I believe after an emotional and financial raping like that, Mr. Gomez is entitled to somewhere around $600 trillion dollars.

It’s a lot to digest, I’ll tell you that. A LOT. Let’s hope both sides can settle this out of court, amicably. And Biebs, if you’re reading this, please don’t send Ursh to pop my bum-cherry with a black cat.


– JD




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