JD’s Top Ten Hangover Inducing Drinks

22 10 2012

This unbelievably terrible Monday seems like a great time to drop another hangover-related post. We’ve touched on the best TV to get you through a hangover, we even gave a few tips on how to survive a graduation ceremony hungover, but somehow we’ve never discussed the cause of the hangover. More times than not, this is because the cause a hodge-podge of various alcohols, tobacco and hooker nipples. But sometimes, the severity of a hangover can be attributed directly to a specific alcoholic beverage. When this happens it’s A. cool because you have a scapegoat for why you puked 14 times in the last 6 minutes, and B. you can vow to never drink said beverage again, until someone offers it to you again, two days later.

Well in standard TODM fashion, we like to make sure our loyal mime army is well educated in the hangover-dangers realm. After all, sharing is caring. So here’s a list of the drinks that are most likely to give you a disastrous h-over. Avoid these at all cost, or pretend to avoid them because, if I’m being real, most of these are actually pretty delicious.

10. Smirnoff Ice Party Pack

Everyone remembers the icing phenomenon. Maybe if you’re like me, you still have a friend or two that won’t let it go. An ice here, an ice there, finding an ice on a Tuesday afternoon in your underwear. But even then it was only one, two or three tops in a night. Well the party pack says I see your one sour apple Smirnoff ice and I raise your eleven more. Whatever you do, don’t drink all twelve in one night. Trust me.

9. Miller Lite

I’ve touched on it numerous times before and I can’t quite figure out what it is about this beer. It might be the great taste, it might be the less filling, I can’t say for sure but whichever one it is, it makes drinking eight Miller Lites feel like someone surgically implanted a family of possums in my lower intestine the next day.

8. Kamikaze shots

I couldn’t tell you what’s in a kamikaze shot, and I really don’t want to know. My best guess is Castrol GTX, Warheads spray and turtle semen? Gotta be at least one of those. And from what I’ve heard filtering excess amounts of tortoise load is very taxing on the liver.

7. Franzia

Franzia used to be my go-to. Concerts, tailgates, train rides, Friday nights spent by yourself crying uncontrollably,  you name it, a bag of Franzia did the trick. That being said, a bag of Franzia is also a surefire way to feel like you got punched in the dick by Truck-asaurus the next day.

6. Hard Cider

Classic case of absolutely delicious going down, not so delicious coming back up six hours later. Getting drunk on hard cider makes me feel like I’m an anglo-saxon warlord crushing mead at the kings table while Rumpelstiltskins plays the fiddle at my feet. It also makes my stomach feel like I mainlined seven baby bottle pops after a trip to BK.

5. Rosé

So originally I thought this was the Rosé that Rick Ross dranks. Obviously as a huge fan, I had to try it for myself. Bought some, tried to pound a bottle in one night. Well turns out he’s talking about some super rare champagne. So yeah, I’m an idiot. Also this shit leads to awful hangovers.

4. Fosters

Slogan should be, “Australian for sucky beer”. Fosters is an awful beer all around and for some reason, Europe goes nuts for it. It’s basically like if Miller High Life had a Australian retard nephew. Don’t purchase this beer unless you want to drink nasty carbonated dick sauce, get belligerently drunk and wake up feeling like the Crocodile Dundee power bombed your noggin.

3. Schnapps

Doesn’t matter what brand, if you drink the majority of a bottle of schnapps, specifically peppermint schnapps, the next morning you will feel like your nipples were bit off by a lion.

2. Champagne

I’m convinced champagne is the devil’s soda. ALWAYS seems like a great idea. ALWAYS. 7pm – Let’s get four bottles of Andre then we’ll go HAM all night long. 7am – don’t mind me I’ll just be puking my ass off for the next 48 hours. Fuck champagne.

1. Four Loko

I think everyone who’s been hit by the loko knows what a couple lok-dogs feel like the next day. Just in a different area code than all the others on this list. Makes a champagne hangover feel like napping in a bed made of chinchilla furs.

 

There you have it guys. JD’s list of worst hangover inducing beverages. Seems a little half-assed you say? Keep in mind I’m currently struggling in the vicious chokehold of a champagne hangover.

– JD

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