Overreaction Thursday: Drizzy Graduates

18 10 2012

Before I begin this week’s overreaction, let me say that hiring a crew of ex-cons as mime writers has its pros and it has its cons. For example, a pro includes mad NFL Redzone hook ups if I ever get 25 to life, cons include unreliable dudes who won’t cover mickey grid’s back when he’s out of town and needs an OW written. So for those of you who were emotionally and mentally unstable yesterday because you couldn’t locate the weekly OW, I apologize. I’ll make it up to you later on. Trust me.

Alright, enough about the five convicted felons that somehow weaseled their way on the mime payroll. Let’s focus on the matter at hand, Drizzy Drake, aka young angel, aka the softest dude in the game. The hip hop pop world was buzzing tits today after official word that Drake finally graduated high school, ten years after originally dropping out. Aubrey got a, wait for it, killer 88% in the final class he needed to pass and officially graduated last night. Drake then tweeted something about it being the greatest feeling ever…or some shit.

Since then word has travelled fast and, needless to say, Drizzle’s graduation has inspired COUNTLESS underprivileged youth to drop the ICP chain-wallet and pick up a no. 2 pencil and get back to the books. I mean guys, if Drake overcame a childhood of poverty, teen years of picking up double shifts at Arby’s to help his mom pay rent and his early 20s struggling to make it in the hip hop game, to persevere and get his diploma, then so can you!

Oh wait a second.

Yung egyptian cotton left high school not because he was forced to but because he landed a gig playing Wheelchair Jimmy on Degrassi: The Next Generation. A role that earned him over $100 grand per season…starting when he was 13! Yeah dude, Macaulay Culkin dropped out of school too. Because he was making $4 zillion yen per Pepsi commercial when he was eight. There’s a difference between “dropping out” and “leaving due to a business decision”. If I had $100 gs when I was 13 I woulda dropped out of school so fast your Mom would cry her brains out. And no, that description doesn’t need to make sense. The point is Aubrey left high school at age 15 because he was a goddamn television star. A star that didn’t need to learn Einstein’s rule of general relativity because he was the general of slamming relatively hot Degrassi groupies in between takes. Let’s see, go to high school five days a week and earn no money or star in a TV show and earn stacks on stacks. Hmmmm. I gotta drop out ma. You can’t pay the bills on your own.

And here’s the thing. Every website I’ve gone to today is wetting themselves over Aub’s “great accomplishment”. Oh my lawhd, he’s a star, yet he still took time to go back and get his diploma, what an inspirational story. Child please. Drizzle’s currently quadruple platinum in like every music category. He probably called up his high school and was like, yo I want a diploma. Give it to me in the next 24 hours or I’m sending Nicki Minaj to your auditorium to sing ‘Bees In The Trap’ until your ears fall off. The high school clearly had no choice. And don’t give me the “but JD, he said he scored a 97% on his final. I saw it on twitter” bullshit. If he even had a “final”, which he most definitely did NOT, it was probably a one question final. True or false – Drake is your middle name. True. Boom. 97%. Congrats Aubrey! You’re a high school graduate! Tell us how it feeeeels!

Now, if you still think he legitimately earned his high school diploma, maybe this little fact-oid will change your idiotic mind. Apparently, when Kentucky won the 2012 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship, Drake received an honorary championship ring.

I guess since 2009, Drake was like an special member of the Kentucky basketball team because he served as a guest coach during their Midnight Madness scrimmage one year. So he totally deserved the ring. Cuz, I mean, he was on the floor calling the plays the whole NCAA tournament. Without Drake, they probably would’ve lost every game that season. The ring was a no-brainer, guys.

To make matters worse, if that’s even possible at this point, Drake credits UK with inspiring him to go back to high school and graduate. Totally. Hey, if the Wildcats can go up against all odds and win a national title, then maybe I can sac up and get my degree. Drizzy now considers himself “a part of the UK family”. Personally, I can’t think of a better family member than Aubrey. Hey guys don’t mind me, I’m just going to set up shop during your pre-game walk-through. I’ll be over here recording shitty music, you guys keep doing your shooting hoops thing, and hey Coach Cal, think you can change the team name to the Kentucky YMCMB’s? Cool thanks.

Essentially it’s yet another notch on Drake’s XXL douche-belt. So from all of us here at the Mime, hopefully Drake gets an honorary kick to the dick in the very near future.

 

– JD

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