TODM Showdown: Captain Morgan vs John Jameson

16 10 2012

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Today we’ve got an extra special TODM showdown for all our mime alcoholics out there. If you’re itching for a stiff beverage, sprint to the liquor store real quick. We’ll start back up in five.

Good? Ok. Let’s get back into it. Today two liquor tycoons will enter the octagon and only one will be crowned champion. As of now, I have no clue who will win, but one things for sure, both men will probably be hammered for the entire fight.

Alcohol is a lot like cereal in that I like to consume it in the morning. It’s also like cereal in that just about every brand has a recognizable face of the franchise. Svedka has those hot robo-babes, Ciroc has Diddy, even 1800 Tequila has that one douche.  But two brand ambassadors stand out above all the rest. Two giants of folklore make the rest of the alcohol mascots look like, to put it lightly, little gay junkyard bitches. The Cap’n and John Jameson. Both men seem to be omnipresent yet never around at the exact same time. Just when you’re at a bar, too hammered to breathe, Cap’n Morgs pops out of the woodwork, hands you a free pair of socks and is on his way (that actually happened to me one time). Similarly, just when you think your stomach couldn’t possibly handle another shot, John Jameson’s ghost floats on in and buys you shots until you projectile vom all over your buddy’s dad.

But WHO is the better man? Who would win in hand-to-hand combat? Who can bake a better Key Lime Pie?

Let’s find out.

 

Better Product – Gotta be slanging legit moonshine.

Captain Morgan may not be the best rum out there, but it’s always a trusty option. You always know you’re getting a decent tasting booze that’ll get you fucked up and not totally destroy you for the next morning. Jameson, on the other hand, might be the most overrated whiskey ever made. I’m also on record saying it’s the single worst shot you can take at a bar. I’ve never taken a shot of Jamo and not immediately puked up my lunch. Tastes like ass in a glass. Edge: Captain Morgan

 

Cooler Outfit – Premium threads are crucial when you’re a public figure.

Captain Morgan is essentially a pirate and John Jameson is a 18th century Scotsman. Downsides for the Captain include holding his leg up for extended periods of time when there’s no barrel to rest it on and getting mistaken for Johnny Depp, downsides for Johnny Jameson include lots of itchy wool. Upsides for the captain include all the perks of looking like a pirate, upsides for John include an axe. Edge: Captain Morgan

 

More Impressive Feats: You might look cool, but unless you back it up with a lifetime of awesome achievements, you’re nothing.

Admiral Sir Henry Morgan was a real-life badass that commandeered an assload of ships, killed a ton of people and acquired a shit load of treasure, among other more historically accurate feats. John Jameson was a real-life badass whiskey distiller that, from what I’ve heard, saved Dublin from a massive fire, killed a giant hawk, tamed a pack of wolves, fought a sea monster and attended his own funeral. Edge: John Jameson

 

Hotter right-hand wench – Who’s got the fairest maiden?

In real life Henry Morgan married his cousin (ewww, dog) Mary Elizabeth Morgan. Chick probably had a busted face and let’s be real Cap’n Morgs was clearly tagging pirate wenches all over the Caribbean behind her back. John Jameson was married to some Irish lass named Margaret Jameson. Now if those commercials are legit, (and I’m pretty sure they are) she looked pretty dece. Edge: John Jameson

 

Better Lineage – which guy was swingin bigger legacy nuts?

As far as we know, Sir Henry Morgan had no sons. He left all his shit to his godsons. Despite no fruit of his looms, his legend has lived on in great infamy. I’m not going to list em out, but there’s a boatload of music and books and rum and shit about him. Plus legend has it there’s a huge cave of Sir Henry’s treasure somewhere in Disney World. John Jameson apparently still has distant relatives in Ireland. So he must’ve had mad fertile loins. Still, aside from his lousy tasting whiskey, nobody’s heard much from Johnny Jameson. Edge: Captain Morgan

 

There you have it, guys and gals. Captain Morgan emerges from the cage match bruised and battered, yet victorious. Johnny Jamo’s sexy wench and giant hawk murdering skills were no match for the Cap’n. Congrats to the captain, although since dude’s been rollin with Marisa Miller, he doesn’t really need a congratulations. Suck on those nuts Mary Elizabeth Morgan.

– JD

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