OW: Real Life Sleeping Beauty My Ass

9 10 2012

I’m browsing through my daily dose of Huffington Post Healthy Living because, cmon, my body is a temple folks. Don’t look like Hercules on steriods without dedicating yourself to an hour a day of healthy readings. But anyways, so I’m surfin H-post and I come upon an article about a real life sleeping beauty. Was hoping for a few new ab workouts to add to my routine, but real life sleeping beauty works fine too. I aint mad at that. Sleeping Beaut was my jam back during my disney princess phase. No I’m not gay, I’m talking about my disney princess PORN phase guys. Sheesh. So I read more about this real life slumbering babe. Turns out headlines can be deceving. Especially when arianna huffington postington mclady is behind them.

Here’s what the story is actually about.

This gal, Kaitlin Terrana:

has some syndrome that causes her to sleep 20 hours a day, sometimes for 10 days at a time. Damn. You mean Mono? Jk. LOL. Kaitlin I do feel for you, and please know before I head into this OW full force, I’m not making fun of your condition. Well maybe I am a little bit, but the point is you can’t help it and that sucks. Now, where was I? DAYYUUUMNN. Sleeping for ten days at a time? If it’s a sexually transmitted disease can we please bang soon (assuming you’re of legal age) because I need this disease in my life right now. Sounds like a lifestyle I can deal with.

Before I get too caught up in the awesome symptoms of Kleine-Levin Syndrome, lets address the main reason I chose to read this story in the first place. The sleeping beauty aspect of it. Here I am picturing a real life sleeping sex kitten just waiting for prince JD Mccharming to slay a couple dragons, storm the castle and suck face until you wake up. Figured maybe the girl was a high school cheerleader that ate a poison apple she got from a witch behind the bleachers at homecoming and fell into a deep trance? I don’t know. Well basically wash those hopes down the drain Mcgridds.

Headline should’ve read ‘Real Life Sleeping 5 maybe 5 and a half tops’. Just misadvertised. And if I was Kaitlin, I’d be upset with that. I can’t be the only one who made that mistake. Since the story broke she’s probably got a goddamn stampede of sexy dudes on horseback trying to sneak into her bedroom and plant a big smooch on her just to claim marriage rights. I may not be a doctor but even I know that can’t be good for her condition. Prince Harry serenading her with a symphony of love songs is not a good soundtrack to sleep to. Gotta go with the ocean noises. Does it every time.

Well as you might imagine, after my initial rage subsided following the realization that my dreams of finally putting my lips of an angel to good use were crushed, I decided to read more about the condition at hand. Turns out Kaitlin, along with very few other people, lives a pretty rough life. Not. Symptoms include excessive sleep, excessive food intake, increased sex drive, hallucinations and lack of emotions.  C’mon now. Those are all qualities I wish I had as a person. I’ve always wanted to be a competitive eater, the sex drive one is a no-brainer, hallucinations are sweet (see: take an ambien and try and stay awake) and everyone knows lack of emotions and general apathetic nature = being a badass.

Then it hit me. The explaination for her disease is simple. I think Kaitlin is a dog trapped in a humans body. Either that or every single dog on the planet suffers from Kleine-Levin syndrome. I don’t think I could write a better descriptive sentence for a dog than that if I tried. They sleep non-stop, munch up anything that remotely looks like food (i.e. their own shit), always want to hump things and consistently give zero fucks about anything. Boom. Medical mystery solved. Just inject her with some reverse osmosis dog genes and she’s cured. No need to thank me, just toss my name in the ballot for Nobel Peace Prize in a couple years.


– JD





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