OW: Light Rail Choke Out

3 10 2012

Wrestling fans may recognize the burly middle-eastern man pictured above as Sheik Abdul Bashir or Daivari, an angry, post 9/11 America-hating WWE Raw and TNA Impact tag-team wrestler. Non-wrastlin fans might think he’s a character from Team America: World Police. Technically, you’d both be wrong. Bros real name is Shawn Daivari, he’s an Iranian-Ameircan hoss from Minnesota who spent the majority of the last ten years pummeling bitches in various professional wrestling circuits across the United States.

Shawn made weird news headlines yesterday when he choked out some crazy dude on the Light Rail in Minneapolis. Daivari alleges that a guy started acting ‘unruly’ and screaming “I’m going to kill everyone” while onboard the train. People began panicking and a few even pushed emergency buttons, hoping to alert the fuzz. No cops showed up, so the Sheik took matters into his own hands. He put the man in a rear naked choke, made him piss his pants and threw him off the train on the next stop.

Crisis averted.

Now given ya nephew is from the Minneapolis area, I’d like to break this story down real quick, as I have some concerns. Not trying to take anything away from the Sheik’s heroic beat down, just want to take a closer look.

Right off the bat, the location of this story – the Light Rail, is suspect. For those of you who haven’t been onboard the light rail, it’s pretty tame when compared to other public transportation trains in other cities, like say the L in Chicago, or whatever those trains are called in Philly. This probably has a lot to do with it being relatively new but I think it also can be attributed to goddamn Minnesota. Place is all clean and nice and well-kept and fresh and shit. Everyones too busy baking casseroles and being cold to murder people on a train. So when this unruly passenger yelled “I’M GOING TO KILL EVERYONE!!” He probably just meant, “I’m going to kill (season three of) Everyone (Loves Raymond on DVD when I get home)!!!”. Classic mixup.

Regardless, Shawn Daivari is a big fella. And he’s a former pro wrestler. Once a pro wrestler, always a pro wrestler, that’s what I always say. Look at Hulk Hogan, guys like 87 and he still shows up every now and then to haymaker a few rookies. For all we know, the Sheik might’ve thought this was a staged out-of-arena skit for today’s episode of Raw. Starts out with some looney hobo screaming shit on a train, next thing you know Chavo Guerrero, Jr. pops out from behind some lady’s stroller and 619s you into a dude doing the crossword. Not a good look. So naturally, he’s always gotta keep his head on a swivel. You’ve also gotta be ready to choke out bitches at all times because it’s an even worse look if the headline reads “Former Professional Wrestler Biotch Hides in the Corner While Crazy Drifter Murders Every Single Passenger on Train”.

So Shawn chose option one and acted quick with a trusty rear naked choke. Quick, effective and relatively easy procedure. I maybe would’ve gone with something a little more flashy myself. I mean you’re on a train, you’ve got a fuckin audience just sittin there. Surprise em with a Hammerlock DDT or climb on top of a row of chairs and get the people on their feet with a Missile Dropkick. Maybe a couple damsels in distress with offer to felaysh your dong after? Just a friendly suggestion.

Either way, the rear naked choke was clearly well executed because the dude instantaneously pissed his drawz. Talk about adding insult to injury huh? Also a tell-tale sign that he wasn’t really going to kill anyone that day. If you piss yourself over a choke hold you’re clearly not prepared to kill in cold blood. Mentally unstable or not, it takes some prepping to get in the zone for a public transportation murder sesh. This includes preparing for the worst, i.e. a WWE wrestler sitting next to you, itching to crack skulls. Can’t threaten mass murder and then tinkle in your khakis the minute your plans go south.

So at the end of the day, Shawn Daivari did what every roided out wrestler should do when faced with an unruly homeless man shouting death threats in public. He shattered his trachea with a choke hold and threw him off a train. Come to think of it, this might just be a great post-retirement gig for WWE stars. Put one on each subway car in NYC and I guarantee crime rates would plummet. Johnny Pickpocket might think twice about stealing your iPod if Rowdy Roddy Piper is flexin nuts two seats down.

 

– JD

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