Overreaction Wednesday: True Love? Roger That.

26 09 2012

Roger ‘Roger Dat’ Mathews and Jenni ‘JWoww’ Farley are engaged!

For dedicated Jersey Shore fans like all of us at the mime, this is obviously HUGE news. So many questions are flying through my  head right now. Is it a shotgun wedding? As in, will Roger shotgun a jug of whey protein at the reception? Who will be in the ceremony? Will roger’s best man be an actual gorilla? Who will JWoww wear? Will DJ Pauly D be there?

Is it just me or has J shore gone from single and ready to tingle to wedding bells are ringing in the blink of an eye? First Snickas and Jionni, now this? Can someone say twinsies? I think I finally understand what Rihanna meant when she briefly mentioned finding love in a hopeless place earlier this year. She was sneakily referencing the beautiful love in Seaside Heights, NJ blossoming right before our very eyes. Beautiful muscle guido makeup titties fist pump love, folks. First of all, how did we not see this connection? Was it because we were so enthralled with Ronnie and Sammie’s WWE Smackdown relationship? Probably. I’ll tell you what though, like they say, love is a mysterious lover.

Let’s break down this engagement of two heavy-weight guido icons. Roger that!

Roger is a goddamn oxen. Like not just one ox. He’s the entire pack(?) of oxen. Just posted up in the club like a tribe(?) of oxen on a snowy Himalayan mountainside. Scopin for the fairest she-ox of them all. And guess what everyone? He found her. That’s right he freakin found the living shit out of her. He saw those dick-breakin boobies from a mile away and didn’t stop til they were bouncing unnaturally above his dome while she rode his python later that night. From then on it was basically meant to be. Next thing you know, Rog is fitting in with all the alpha males at the Jersey Shore house like a champ. Jwoww ditched her zero of an ex-boyfriend for good after giving him a stern talking to and Rog-bone was in! (Actually though, I bet Roger tracked whoever that dude was down and literally ate his grandfather..ALIVE) Just sticking up for his lady like you hear about in fairytales.

Next thing you know JWoww is head over heels for the cat they call Roger. She’s surprising him with dominatrix shit because that’s what he’s into yo. Enough romance to bring even the juiciest juice-head to tears. Jwoww’s a bigger lady height (and chesticles) wise but I bet Roger DESTROYED her that night. I bet he pillaged that box like a ship full of vikings on a quest for treasure and homicide. And I bet that, my friends, was enough to lock her in for life. Like once he strapped in and pile drove dat puss for 24 hours straight she was at the point of no return. Roger’s super-chode was, from that moment on, the only super-chode that could pleasure her ever again.

And now we come to today’s news. Roger popping the question. J-Damngirl said it was all romantic and Roger made some calligraphied sign or some shit. I’m not buying it. I bet he took her to the beach shirtless and threatened lesser men until they all formed a golden choir and sang “will you marry me” with the voice of one thousand cherubs. Then he and JWoww transformed into majestic mountain beasts and they were transported to the nearest Karma nightclub where they fist pumped until she got pregnant.

Truly inspiring romance. Here at the mime we wish the best of luck to Roger and Jenni. Hopefully you guys make a shit ton of protein pump babies and what not.

– JD

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