American Idol: Enough Already.

17 09 2012

After a quintessential lazy Sunday of football, fantasy football, food and some top notch couch sitting, it came to my attention that American Idol will be coming back for a twelfth season in early January 2013. HOORAY! And just when i thought promos for The New Normal was as close to hell on earth as I could get…

Guess all that we can do now is pray to the sun gods that the Mayan calendar was right and we’re all swept away in a hot lava zombie tornado before then. If Idol’s often painful to watch, drawn out, Derek Redmond-like limp to their proverbial “finish line” hasn’t been enough to make you stop watching years ago, maybe yesterday’s news will do the trick. It was announced that Keith Urban and, wait for iiit, Nicki Minaj will join Mariah Carey and Randy Jackson as next season’s judges. Hell yes! Finally, someone with ACTUAL TALENT set to judge a talent contest. Who needs Simon Cowell when you’ve got YMCMB IN THE HIZZOUSE MOTHERFUCKERS!

On a serious note, does anyone still watch this show? Nobody at all? Figured that was the case. I mean with The Voice and X Factor and America’s Got Talent and about six hundred other talent shows at your disposal, why would you? Why watch Idol when you can watch the exact same thing plus Christina Aguilera’s boobs and that dude from Maroon 5 in spinning chairs? See, it’s compelling television because they can’t actually see the performer until after they press the button. Christ, there are so many talent shows these days a simpleton like myself can barely tell them apart. So wait, Susan Boyle juggled twelve flaming chainsaws? Get out of town.

How many jaw dropping renditions of ‘A Moment Like This’ can our nation handle before, ehh, I think we’re pretty much done with that whole thing.

American Idol has been called “the most impactful show in the history of television” and has produced over 345 chart topping billboard hits. To give credit where credit is due, I’ll say that’s impressive. Without American Idol we may have never seen what’s behind these hazel eyes or let Jesus take the wheel or Bo Bice. Without American Idol Ryan Seacrest might still be a chubby closet gay instead of the hardest working man in Hollywood. Christ, without American Idol I’d have no songs to weep to when I’m homesick. American Idol has been one hell of a juggernaut, I’ll give them that. Watching Simon verbally rape contestants with limited skill sets WAS premium television. But as Colonel Sanders famously said, “all good chicken must come to an end”. Since the glory days of 02-03, American Idol has taken quite a few hits. I’ll admit I haven’t watched a single episode of American Idol in the last seven years at least. This probably means I’m hardly qualified to speak on Idol’s downfall. Oh well. Point is, gone away are the Kelly Clarksons and Carrie Underwoods and now we’re looking at Lee DeWyze and Philip Phillips.

Snooze fest yo.

Once Simon left that was it. I love Randy Jackson more than most of you love your own grandmother but the truth of the matter is he can’t hold a judging panel together on his own, dog. Now add Keith Urban and Nicki Minaj? Fuck my ass with a railroad spike. Keith Urban hasn’t been cool since he jumped on board Tom Cruise’s sloppy ginger seconds in 2005. And Nicki Minaj? Wave those record setting ratings goodbye, Fox. Pretty sure the only two people on the planet who don’t want to see Nicki eaten by a Bobcat are Drake and Lil’ Wayne. Nicki Minaj judging singing talent is like an oak tree judging a dick sucking contest. It makes no sense. It’s like lil mama judging America’s Best Dance Crew:

http://gawker.com/5808067/here-are-the-craziest-things-lil-mama-has-said-on-americas-best-dance-crew

“When y’all speeded it up…”

 

She’ll probably be dressed up like a furnace or something weird as shit each week too. Nicki…ummm do you realize you’re actually wearing a snow leopard eating Macy Gray?

LOOK AT MEEEE!!!

In rambling conclusion, I ask only one thing of American Idol. Tighten it up or end that shit with the micro slice of dignity you have left. Your time has come and gone cruised by doin 160 in a 45. Or maybe strike up an alliance with the other talent shows our fine country has to offer. Call it, So You Think You Can American X Factor Voice Idol Got Talent? Then just have Chris Brown be the judge. You either make it to hollywood or he whoops your ass with a cheese grater.

 

– JD

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