OW: Big Sexy Finally Hits The Field

12 09 2012

About mid August I browsed through a story about 12 year old Elijah Earnheart from Mesquite, TX who was banned from pee wee football because he was too big. Didn’t really think much of it at the time, probably some fat kid who sucked so bad he got cut from pee wee and is trying to claim discrimination or some shit. Skim and move on, you know the deal. Well I hop on Yahoo this morning and I see they finally let the kid suit up for the middle school team.


Feel good story of the year? From discriminated to discrimi-killin it? Not quite.

Here’s my problem with Elijah and his “situation”. First of all, the dude is 6’1″ and 300 pounds and he’s twelve. The fact that his ban from pee wee football somehow made the news is mind boggling in itself. Either Texas was running low on stories about which rodeo is in town or there was some serious uproar in the community over this kid’s pee wee rejection. Let’s see…nope, mainly just his mom. Neat she made some glitter signs in protest:

You’re 300 pounds motherfucker! I’d give opposing teams all of two minutes before someone has a ruptured liver. Elijah doesn’t need to be a hard hitter. Christ, he doesn’t even need to play one down. One wayward high five in pre-game warm ups and he’d shred someone’s rotator cuff. Sorry guys, I know Bobby’s our best player but Goliath over there just sent him to the hospital with four punctured lungs. Todd with the chubby kid nips, take some snaps, you’re QB now! 

Speaking of chubby nips:

Looked like scoots porker on the right simultaneously pulled his titty and his hammy running that wind sprint.

I mean sweet jesus, the maximum weight for pee wee football in Texas is 135 lbs. Not trying to be all up in your grill with math but Elijah, buddy, I’m pretty confident you exceed that by a bit. Plus, 12 years old puts you in what grade? 7th? Seems like a pretty decent time to TRY OUT FOR THE MIDDLE SCHOOL SQUAD. I mean c’mon you’re a child he-man. Hold aloft your magic sword and harness the power of grayskull already. I’d wager that every high school coach in the state of Texas cummed twice when they saw this story on the news. You should be pushing blocking sleds to and from school every day. Actually, after the first twenty seconds of that story I thought I was watching The Blind Side. Sitting here waiting for the part where Sandra Bullock adopts this kid.

So why was he trying out for pee wee? I’ll let Elijah explain that one:

“I don’t want to play in school right now because it’s people that’s had experience and I want to get some experience first and then start playing. I just want to play because my teammates are my friends. I know them. I don’t want to go play for somebody else I don’t know.”

Well said.

I wouldn’t worry too much about experience here, Elijah. You’re making the leap from the couch to seventh grade football and you’re built like a Joe’s Crab Shack. You’ll pick up the game up quick enough. And I get it, you want to play with you pals, that’s a pretty standard 12 year old response. But at twelve you’re also old enough to understand the gravity of first degree murder and if you play with your “friends” in pee wee you’ll literally murder them all. Sure, you probably won’t be tried as an adult yet, but eight blunt force trauma murder-ones is at least a year in juvie. That puts a damper on your childhood.

In the end, I’ve got faith the Iron Giant will kill it on the middle school tundra. Might have to work on that footwork a bit first but after that, he’s going to be a beast. Just look at momma Earnheart:

Upper lip hair genetics of a pro bowler.


– JD




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: