The Mime Presents: Northern Xposure

11 09 2012

I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don’t win, you lose.

– Coach John Madden

Football season is upon us. You can feel it in your loins. You can smell it in the air. You can practically taste it in your mouth. Suddenly unoriginal fantasy smack talk from Joel in HR starts filling up your personal email inbox. John Clayton emerges from moonlighting as a mortician to creepily cover developing stories around the NFL. And above all else, the road to Super Bowl XLVII has begun.

The 2012 season also happens to be the first full NFL season since TODM’s glorious birth in January 2-aught-12. So it’s all extra special and shit. By extra special I mean no different than any other NFL season before it, except for one, well two things. Replacement refs who for the most part have been atrocious, and brand new little slice of football heaven we like to call Northern Xposure. A short n sweet segment dedicated to America’s favorite cold weather conference, the NFC North. What’s with the name you ask? Well it’s an ode to one of the greatest shittiest strip joints on planet earth. A tittie bar in Birnamwood, WI where women of all shapes and well mainly just shapes are treated equally (and by equally I of course mean unequally as fuck, because cmon, they’re strippers..they have no souls). A place where a titty in your mouth might actually be a chubby elbow with dried ketchup on it. A place where unicorn tats aren’t just on Jasmine and Paradise, but instead on every stripper’s titty.

Ok enough about that tit club. It’s no secret we’re a blog born and raised in the midwest. We like our women and our trash bags hefty. Sure, we’ve got Green Eggs in Boss-town and the newest mime, Ham Sangwich, is holding it down in the Big Apple, but even those guys have ties to America’s breadbasket. That also means The Mime has mad ties to the NFC North. In fact, we more or less have all four teams represented. Now, no, we’re not an NFL blog. We’re a comed…well, we’re a blog. But that doesn’t mean we can’t integrate some laughs into a bi-weekly segment on the NFC’s division o’ hard knocks (pipe down NFC East don’t forget you guys have Tony Romo). Like essentially everything else we’ve ever done, we’re taking a ‘fuck it, let’s figure it out along the way‘ approach. So strap in, buckle up, tighten your safety harness, slap on some protective eyewear and prepare to read some shit about professional pigskin.

So far we’ve got:

Kleinz 57 – Minnesota Vikings

5Piece – Chicago Bears

McGrids & Sangwich – Green Bay Packers

TBD on the Detroit Lions

Well what if we live in Kansas City and don’t give a FUK about the NFC North? Does this mean we have to sift through boring ass articles about Matt Stafford’s completion percentage to get to weekly OW‘s and Mime at the Movies? Nope. As I mentioned we’ll keep these posts short, sweet and easy to forgeet. Plus, each team will be limited to two posts a week. More than likely that will include pre and post game coverage. For 5Piece, that also includes a one post minimum.

Sounds like a fuggin blast huh? So add the Mime to your long list of NFL coverage websites.

 

– JD

 

PS – This week’s Thursday night Bears-Packers game should provide a nice Northern Xposure jumping off point.

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