The State Fair: Somehow remaining enjoyable since I was three

5 09 2012

Because we’re a blog with deep roots in the midwest I feel like it’s only right to pay homage to the wild spectacle that is the state fair. More specifically, the Minnesota State Fair. Why show mad love to Minnesota’z State Fair? Couple of reasons, a) I’ve been to other state fairs and they essentially suck dong in comparison b) I spent five hours there three days ago c) It feels right, Brian, it feels right. For what has to be at least a couple thousand years, the Minnesota fair has provided a near perfect combination of trashy-hoodrich-sweaty-drunken-delicious insanity I’ve ever been a part of. Plus unlike other state fairs, specifically the Wisconsin State Fair, you can usually attend it without worrying about getting your teeth stomped in for kind of liking Ace of Base. So that’s always a plus. Also, it’s the second largest state fair in the US aside from the Texas State Fair. If you really think about that stat, it’d be more embarrassing if Texas wasn’t number one, right? I mean I’m no geography expert but I’m pretty sure the state of Texas is larger than China and Brazil combined. So, ahh Texas State Fair, take some family friendly advice and ‘blast one out your ass’ because I bet you’re more or less a festival of giant belt buckles and cowboy hats and Friday Night Lights and Jerry Jones and oil rigs and whatever other boring stuff Texas has to offer. No offense Texas, please don’t murder me, it’s just this post is about the land of ten thousand lakes, not the land of eighteen thousand person capacity high school football stadiums. Which if I’m being real, actually looks awesome.

Now what’s weird about the Minnesota State Fair is that against all odds, it’s basically remained almost equally as fun to go to now, as when I was a kid. It’s kind of a mind boggling if you think about it. Like how many of your favorite activities from when you were three can you put in that category? Taking a satisfying dump? Ok there’s one. Napping? Can’t do that shit any more. Jungle Gyms? I tried the monkey bars a few weeks back and I think I now have two separated shoulders. I feel like Tony Romo only I’m not married to a beauty pageant hoe…anyways I wound up saying fuck it, let’s go get drunk. It’s just a remarkable. The fair eclipses all ages.  There’s literally enough sweet shit to do that it’s a blast no matter what age you are. When you’re a kid, it’s a cum-feista just LOOKING at the farm animals and getting to sit on tractors and what not. When you’re in middle/high school it’s a great spot to roll with some ladies, maybe hit the Ye Old Mill do some finger blasting, grab a breasticle or two. When you’re in your twenties it’s the perfect spot to get drunk, eat a shitload of food, maybe fire off a couple fastballs at the speed pitch. Aaaand, that’s about as far as I’ve gotten on the fair-age-timeline. But I will say, I see a titload of elderly at the fair each year too, so I gotta assume either they’re enjoying themselves or they’re too medicated to give a fuck.

At this point a few of you ‘urban cats’ may be saying, “Bro, I live in the city. The fair’s for red necks and hobos. I’d rather stab my left nut with a swiss army knife than spend twelve seconds at a fair.” First off, damn that’d hurt somethin fierce. Secondly, you’re wrong brah. The fair’s for everyone. Even you, City Slicker McApartmentbuilding, even you, obese diabetic cat lover who can’t walk, even you Chilean immigrant selling fake passports, christ, even hookers are (from what I’ve seen) welcome at the fair.

While this year’s fair might have ended already, just like clockwork, it will be back next year. Umm, well unless, unless the Mayans were right and this hell we call life ends on Dec 21st (PLEASE BE RIGHT MAYAN CALENDAR JEMUS). But if not, the fair will stick around. And one day, you’ll drunkenly stumble down your cousin Philip’s back porch and wind up wandering through a state fair. When that day comes, remember this list of things you’ll run into at the fair. Some should be avoided at all costs, some are must see attractions. Choose wisely.

13. Middle aged Black Eyed Peas cover band

12. That bottle smashing game where you first think, damn that looks easy here’s five tickets lemme one time this bitch then you miss horribly and it bounces off the back wall into a disabled kid’s falafel.

11. Alpaca fur clothings for sale

10. Jailbait O’ PLENTY

9. Smooth talkin carnies trying to get you to pay 10 bucks to throw a plastic ring at a bottle

8. Minimum six people you know and it’s a complete roll of the dice (i.e. third grade teacher or long lost asian friend)

7. A bull with a HUGE nutsac

6. The gravitron ride

5. Big bucket of cookies stand (conveniently nowhere near the milk stand)

4. Premium musical guests (see – Chingy)

3. Lame ass haunted house (another tit grab hot spot)

2. State’s largest pig

1. Free t shirt giveaway (don’t leave the fair empty handed no matter what it is they’re giving away. One year I left with a free yard stick. Still have that yard stick.)

 

 

– JD

 

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