Overreaction Wednesdays: Chuck Norris

5 09 2012

By Kleinz 57

This shit has gotten out of hand.

For a while, it was fun. I laughed many times whenever Conan would pull that Chuck Norris lever on Late Night, even if the gesture was more tongue-in-cheek than honest. But this ludicrous cult ship and its crew of Chuck Norris “Facts” ran its course half a decade ago, with everything officially imploding when Chuck Norris himself read his favorite selections on the Best Damn Sports Show Period:

You can see his drunk, self-obsession start to take over there, with the side grin and the rolling of the head. And that was in 2006. This crap is still going on, and like a comatose cousin of Shirley Phelps Roper, this thing has suffered far too long not to pull the plug.

Well, I’m pulling it. Here are some actual Chuck Norris facts:

Chuck Norris is 72 years old.

There’s an appropriately terrible Chuck Norris “fact” that goes something like this:

“Chuck Norris once built a time machine to stop the JFK assassination. When Oswald fired, Norris deflected all three shots away from the president with ease. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.”

Except that joke misses one crucial detail. Chuck Norris wouldn’t have needed a time machine to get to Dealey Plaza; he was 23 at the time.

The guy was born during World War II and clearly isn’t afraid to use Just For Men. That’s the extent of his myth. He’s a decrepit old man. Sure, he’s likely still in great shape — for a 72 year old man. I know absolutely nothing about martial arts but really, honestly think about this. How much could Chuck Norris actually do at 72? Is a roundhouse kick still effective if it takes him an extra three seconds and a bottle of Aleve? Doubtful.

Chuck Norris is afraid of swear words.

Let’s really think about this, especially since a man who probably shits his own pants before limping to the bathroom is still regarded as a billable ‘star’ in a movie like The Expendables. A lot of ‘Chuckites,’ a term which I’ll henceforth never use again, seem willfully ignorant of how lame Chuck Norris really is. So here’s another lesson: the man almost dropped out of an action movie because of a few f-bombs.

To be precise, he demanded the recently released Expendables 2 be PG-13. I’m well aware that bloodless, curseless Walker Texas Ranger reruns still probably play on PAX TV and the wee hours of USA’s late-night Friday programming, but I appreciate an action film with balls. Chuck Norris doesn’t like swear words:

“In Expendables 2, there was a lot of vulgar dialogue in the screenplay. For this reason, many young people wouldn’t be able to watch this. But I don’t play in movies like this. Due to that I said I won’t be a part of that if the hardcore language is not erased. Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be classified in the category of PG-13.”

First off, the film stayed R, so “producers” didn’t accept shit. But that’s ignoring the glaring hypocrisy that guns and violence are somehow more okay than curse words? Hey, I’m not against any of that stuff, but I watched First Blood when I was eight so I say give the young ‘uns all or nothing. I’m not sure anyone except Chuck Norris and my grandma use the phrase “hardcore language” but in what universe does a man, famous precisely because he beats the shit out of people, think he has the moral high ground here? Oh right, Chuck Norris’ universe. I only ask his mindless followers this: how bad ass can you really be if you’re willing to hobble on home every time I flip you the bird?

Chuck Norris is a closed-minded asshole.

It’s weird that a man whose own meme is predicated on facts refuses to actually believe in science or logic or rational thought. Take evolution for instance. Oh, sorry, Chuck. I mean, take that phony devilry liberal scientists want us to believe in so we all go to Satan’s crucible for eternity. Oh where are my manners? Again, I’ll let Chuck Norris put it in his own special brand of ignorant bullshit:

“…here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: it’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me… By the way, without Him, I don’t have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things. — and so can you.”

Looking past his flawless argument, there’s a slight misunderstanding of exactly what natural selection is all about. It isn’t “random chance,” as this pea-brained idiot claims but rather hundreds of thousands of years of change and adaptation in an organism’s genetic structure. What’s that? Oh, think of it as a ‘Jesus blueprint.’

The old-timer also serves on at least one board of advocates to include the Bible in public school curricula, and he’s an outspoken supporter of Prop 8. Nothing screams justice and freedom like a man of the law kicking down doors and telling people the right way to go about living. That there’s America, boy. Now roundhouse them faggots to the ground! 

I won’t touch on the God stuff too much, though. Despite this out of touch fossil’s lunacy, Christianity has a lot of upside, and quite frankly it’s not Jesus’ fault that Chuck Norris is a mindless dumbfuck. It just seems odd that his signature move is a roundhouse when he probably uses ‘Bible to the jugular’ just as often.

Chuck Norris is mentally ill

How’s this for timely news? The man added a point this past week! Take it away, Chuck Norris:

I HOPE EVERYONE NOTICED THAT AMERICAN FLAG BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT A TRUE PATRIOT HANGS UP IN HIS DOJO. I have no fucking idea what “1,000 years of darkness” looks like or why America might face it, but we’d all better listen to the babbling of this old, rich white actor who played a lawman on TV once.

Chuck Norris ain’t got shit on Bruce Lee.

Revisionist thinking has led many to believe Chuck Norris loses this fight because he has no beard, or because he’s simply ‘letting’ Bruce Lee win. No. He loses because he’s Chuck Norris:

The man’s an irrelevant meme that’s gone on too long; he’s that crazy visiting uncle who’s overstayed his welcome; he’s a goddamn bumper sticker. Chuck Norris is a lot of things, but bad ass is no longer one of them, and I’m growing more inclined to believe it might never have been. It’s about time this tired, backwards old fart went the fuck away. Come at me, bro.

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