Your Superficial Fall 2012 Preview

27 08 2012

By Kleinz 57

Whether or not anyone asked for it, I served up this summer’s hits and misses back in May. Now that this seemingly endless ejaculate of reboots, superheroes, and superhero reboots has begun to dry up, let’s look at what’s in store for September and beyond.

Christ, I’ve been doing this crap for three months already?

September 7

Bachelorette

Do you miss Bridesmaids? Maybe you’re just craving that zany, diarrhea-filled hysteria all over again in theaters? Producers Adam McKay and Will Ferrell are capitalizing on America’s new obsession with raucous, vaginal raunch. Starring Kirsten Dunst, Lizzie Caplan and that crazy red head who probably tongued Vince Vaughn’s gooch at some point in Wedding Crashers. 

Anna Karenina 

If one were not inclined to wait until December to see Catwoman chop off all that pretty hair in Les Miserables, there’s always Joe Wright’s latest period adaptation. Though sadly devoid of any musical stylings courtesy of Russell Crowe or Wolverine, Keira Knightley’s pretty solid in most things and this is nothing your mother couldn’t appreciate. Then again, if Mom’s one of those terrible people who say “Les Miz,” forget the theater and commit her to a home. That shit’s unforgivable.

September 14

Arbitrage 

arbitrage – the practice of taking advantage of a price difference between two or more markets.’ 

No, that doesn’t sound interesting to me either. In Hollywood’s latest polished assault on America’s job creators, Arbitrage looks to be more baseless 1% criticism in the form of Richard Gere’s infidelities.  Somehow this also ties into Tim Roth awkwardly pretending we don’t notice his poor American accent.

The Master 

If they’re not terrorizing our defenseless CEOs and Fortune 500 magnates, liberals are viciously preying on righteous religious institutions like Scientology. Such is the case with Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest, The Master, and what has long been rumored to be a thinly-veiled middle finger to L. Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise’s throbbing Xenu-boner. Almost certain are Oscar noms for director Anderson and Philip Seymour Hoffman. I suspect a nod for Phoenix will depend on whether he’s acting or just really fucking insane.

September 21 

Dredd 3D 

Lena Headey must be a righteous ‘c’ at auditions because Cersei Lannister looks to be up to her usual bitchery in this reboot of a modestly terrible Sly Stallone actioner. If early buzz is any indication, fall’s only comic book movie (that we know of) is pretty damn bloody, with hundreds of drugged-out street urchins biting the big one as Eomer, Son of Eomund, dons that ridiculous helmet.

Trouble With the Curve 

Unsatisfied with Gran Torino’s ‘get off my lawn’ performance, Clint Eastwood returns for a fifth (?) career curtain call as a ‘get off my grass in right-center’ baseball scout. If the throaty croons of Phillip Phillips are any indication, Trouble With the Curve is a feel-good story of an aging, crotchety fart who learns that scouting baseball might have gotten in the way of looking out for the ‘prospects of life,’ or some equally crappy metaphor. Which really means my mom’s already taken the bait here, and she doesn’t even know this exists yet.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

Now obviously Paul Rudd as an oh-so-awesome English teacher makes all things better. Even manic pixie faux-indies that draw from some vague Kerouacian idea of aimlessness and soul-searching. But hey, Hermione’s American accent sounds alright to me. That short hair? Not so much.

September 28 
Looper

From what I’ve heard, Rian Johnson’s third theatrical feature has something to do with Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s time-traveling younger Bruce Willis tasked with taking out his future, older, real-er Bruce Willis self. This sounds sweet, but I can’t confirm since much of the marketing gives away too much. Is this even the right trailer? If someone could let me know in the comments I’d appreciate it.

We’ll cover October’s releases tomorrow, one of which features Tyler Perry in a serious acting role. That seems oddly fitting for the month of Halloween.

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3 responses

27 08 2012
Your Superficial Fall Film Preview | Majestic Wolf Blog

[…] anyone's cynicism went missing this morning, chances are it's in this September preview: theoffdutymime.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/you… […]

29 08 2012
Your Superficial Fall 2012 Preview (cont.) «

[…] (Part I) […]

29 08 2012
Your Superficial Fall 2012 Preview (Pt. III) «

[…] (Part I) […]

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