This Week In America’s Worst Jobs: Dez Bryant’s Babysitters

27 08 2012

The sports world is a-buzz this week about Jerry Jones’ recent “grounding” of Cowboy’s star receiver, Dez Bryant. If we have nothing in common and you didn’t watch Sports Center seven times in a row yesterday, you can read about the new rules to keep Bwayby Dez in check here. Looks like a zero tolerance policy if I’ve ever seen one. Last I checked, those type of things usually don’t work too well, see: every normal person’s high school years.

Since the news broke, it’s been picked apart by the media about four million times because a. it’s hilarious b. Jerry Jones is involved and c. they’re actually pretty strict rules for a grown man. Yes, Dez has his history of being an idiot. This includes assaulting his own mother (who happens to be a former drug dealer and prostitute) and getting kicked out of a mall for sagging his pants too low, among others. But you’re a goddamn moron if you think that rap sheet allows him automatic entrance into the NFL’s ‘Bad Boys Club’. Christ, Donte Stallworth murdered a man with his Bentley. What makes this different is that instead of releasing, suspending or fining the player who may be ‘acting out’, ‘frequently breaking the law’ or  ‘punching bitches’, Jerry Jones decided to put him on Fort Knox lockdown. This includes Dallas paying for a rotating three man security team, ensuring Bryant is monitored at all times.

First off, that’s a lot of cheese being spent to keep one of your players from violating team policy. But, that’s beyond the main point I’m trying to make. Let’s take a closer look at this three man security team. Dez is basically a fucking man child, so they’re more babysitters/chauffeurs and less security personnel. These guys are getting paid to shadow a 23 year old multi-millionaire. Not just shadow, but ensure he’s back at his place by midnight every night, prevent him from drinking a drop of alcohol and prevent him from going to any titty clubs. That’s like asking a couple of middle schoolers to look after a pack of starving wolves at a No Name Steaks factory. Totally gonna go smooth. I mean I’m a 23 year old hundred-aire and I have a tough ass time stopping myself from getting drunk at the titty joint til 4am every damn night. Imagine if I had stacks on stacks on stacks to blow. This just won’t end well. It can’t end well.

On the other side of things, it might be pretty sweet to hang with an NFL star all day, I’ll give them that. Probably get to chill in a mansion, maybe play FIFA with Nate Newton, drive around sick trucks and shit. But all that goes out the window when you’re also in charge of safe-guarding the Ciroc cabinet and titty bar VIP wristbands. These three better head to the mountains to train with Liam Neeson for a few months. Get those kah-rah-tay skills tightened up. Because you know one night, probably after a last second home loss to the Redskins, Dez is going to get an itch that only stripper nippies and six bottles Hypnotiq can scratch. When that moment comes, you could be his own mother and you’d still be in for a beat down.


– JD






One response

15 11 2012
This Week In America’s Worst Jobs: The Milk Truck «

[…] I think I found the worst of the worst jobs we’ve featured to date. So far we’ve had Dez Bryant’s baby sitters, we’ve had burying famous musicians, but I think this one takes the cake. Everyone, feast […]

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