Overreaction Wednesdays Part II: Vikings Fans

22 08 2012

I’ll admit when I first read Kleinz Five Sev’s hey did I just re-read Deadspin’s article from earlier this morning shredding the Packers a new one, I felt a little burned. I mean, lost and insecure, I found him, lying on the ground, surrounded by syringes? Sorry not a The Fray lyrics expert. Anyways, the point is I literally found the Chup Man lying nude on the floor of a Quik Trip truck stop in the outskirts of Madison, WI. He mumbled something about The Shawshank Redemption so I gave him a movie critic job. Month’s later, after essentially putting food on the table for him and his two sons, Gabriel and Jasper, he grabs a hold of an OW and rams it so far up my ass it started to kind of feel good. Not in a gay way though, like in a damn my colon has some pretty decent nerve endings up there after all good. But, as I have said before, the Mime is an unbiased blog. All opinions are cool. So instead of deleting it entirely and sending a manila envelope chock full o anthrax to Ragnar, I figured I’d counter with a OW of my own.

Then I realized I’d be writing about a football team that I’m not even sure I respect enough to spend an hour of my time on. Then I took a monstrous dump, and I mean HUGE. Basically, I had Qdoba for lunch and I’m pretty sure that shit mixed with the deep dish pizza I had last night to create the Iron Giant of feces stewing in my bowels. Not to get too in your face, but I definitely bled a little bit. Then I decided screw it, so here goes.

Before I start let me clarify that instead of the dispersing the rage on the state, redneck residents and cities other than the one I live in approach, I’m going to focus on what matters – football and football fans.

Ah where to begin when thinking of the historic Minnesota Vikings and their tried and true fans? So many legends have donned the purple and gold and led their team to almost-victory. Fran Tarkenton. Cris Carter. John Randle. And, ummmm, Fran Tar…dammit, some other guys too I’m pretty sure. Such majestic and historic home stadiums. Gaze upon the wondrous Mall of America Field at Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. The Vikings trophy case shimmers with trophy upon trophy reminding each visitor of the rich histo…what’s that? I’m being told they’re 0-4 in Super Bowls. Well, I know they’ve got a couple division title banners in there somewhere.

At this point I’ll stop and address the glaring omission of this article so far: the fact that I’m from Minnesota. Yep, you read correct. Born and raised motherfuckas! Yet, from the earliest of ages (pretty sure like the minute I popped out) I was raised a Green Bay Packers fan. No switcheroo half way through my life, no hmmm I’m 12 and the home team sucks, I’m converting. None of that. Since day one bitches. That being said, I also lived 18 of my years surrounded  by Vikings fans. So I’ve got a wealth of knowledge allowing me to write this post with the experience of a 100 year old mountain goat.

This goat is jealous of my experience

All that aside, I’ll be the first to admit, the Vi-queens (get it?!?) have been dealt a pretty awful hand. 0-4 in Super Bowls? 0-4 in Conference Championship Games since 1987? 15 different starting QBs in the last 15 years? Mike Tice as head coach for four seasons? Seems like every time I turn around the Vikings are losing another big game or making another stupid decision. That’s got to be tough on any fan. Hell, I’ve been a Minnesota Timberwolves fan for 23 grueling years, (chill out, I know, I know, it’s weird but let’s not get distracted) I think I know what it’s like to root for a perennially shitty squad. And that brings up another good point; it’s not just the mediocre Vikings fans in Minnesota have to deal with. But that’s for another time.

Essentially it’s the way the Minnesota Vikings organization and their fans have dealt with continual disappointment that might just be why they suck so much. Over the last, ehhh, 17 years it’s been largely a series of short term fixes. The front office usually sounds a little something like “Fuck, our young quarterback is kind of sucky. Any over-the-hill free agents out there we can squeeze a good year or two out of?” Which causes the fans to sound a lot like: ” This is our year baby! 23-0 begins tonight! (which was literally the Facebook status of a friend at the start of the 2012 season) Super Bowl or bust!”

Honestly I wish it was sarcasm, but the wild thing it isn’t. Vikings fans have been fed so much retarded bull shit by Red McCombs and that one jew, and a few BTK Killer lookin coaches that year after year they actually think they’re headed to the Super Bowl. Sure, some years they might actually have a Super Bowl worthy squad. But when you put all the pressure on an old QB, untested coaches, and lousy defense  things usually tend to not end well. And when they don’t? It’s either a Super Bowl-worthy team with a last minute fuck up or a disaster of a season. When it’s the latter, Vikings fans usually pack it in early, and I mean EARLY. Next thing you know, you can’t pay these people to go to games, games are blacked out, people get pissed and round and round the cycle goes. The years of anguish start boiling over and if you’re an opposing fan heading into the Metrodome you better hope you don’t run into a hard boiled egg. I remember like every time I went to the metrodome as a kid I feared some purple faced dick house might try and saw my arm off.

Obviously from a Packers fan point of view things always tend to get a little skewed. That’s just science folks. But ask any other NFC North fan, they’ll say some variation of the same thing. The organization has been cooking up teams from a mediocre recipe for years. Put shit in, get shit out. Might be bad luck, might be a bad front office, might be a bit of both. Hey, who knows with this new stadium deal, and Leslie Frasier at the helm, things could turn around, one day…. decades from now. At this point I’d almost moderately enjoy seeing the Vikes win one. More for relief than anything. Kinda like my Vikings fan friends are Josh Hartnett and he’s all wound up because he hasn’t been able to beat off or bone all lent. Once that 40-yearsdays-coming nut finally pops he can finally sit back, relax and eat a hefty Lambeau Field beer brat with the enemy.


– JD




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