Overreaction Wednesdays: Packer Fans

22 08 2012

By Kleinz 57

‘We’re not close-minded, drooling zealots,’ scream close-minded, drooling zealots.

It reads like an Onion headline, except the reality is far too real in the state of Wisconsin.

I love Madison. I’m on my fifth year so I’m qualfiied to say that. The college atmosphere is unparalleled, its got an active voting population, and brats are awesome. Hell, I’m still finding great restaurants to eat at. I dunno what the fuck Pescado a lo Macho is, I just know I want more. And I’m not the only one who knows these things. The rest of the city knows it. Its top public university system knows it. Patton Oswalt knows it, describing Madison as a “weird magical fairy bubble of sanity in the middle of just fucking shit.” I’m sure Wisconsinites are proud of their capitol city, and rightfully so. They forget the rest of the joke.

“In the middle of just fucking shit.”

Wisconsin is different. That’s what they scream at you anyway. The “FIB” insults are my personal favorite. Yes, Illinois drivers are by and large one of the worst things, but this mentality that the Dairy State is not only unique from its surrounding neighbors but that it’s actually better is fucking absurd. As proven earlier, Madison is fantastic, but metropolitan hub it is not. Milwaukee is your Chicago, Wisconsin, except it’s smaller with more drive-bys. So unless Bon Iver puts out a concept album showing why America ought to pay more attention to Eau Claire, sit down and shove that third footlong in your mouth hole already. I haven’t spent much time in Tomah or Whitewater or New Berlin. But I’ve hung around more than enough Packer fans, and this is all their fault.

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously wrote “the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” Granted, the man probably couldn’t run a slant to save his pansy ass, but the notion that something can be A and B at the exact same time don’t exist in these here parts. The Hell’s complexity? Is it somethin I can shoot? Pass me a Schlitz. I used to liken the Green Bay fanbase to the NFL’s Yankees, but that’s not really true. Yankee fans — especially beat writers — are ridiculously harsh on the Bronx Bombers. If A-Rod isn’t mashing at a 40 homer pace and batting AT LEAST .330, trade his ass, Cashman.

In Wisconsin, they’re not allowed to be critical about something they love, and you bet your hippie ass that applies to you, too. That’s doubly true for Vikings fans. Not only is an objective sports conversation impossible to hold with a member of the Green and Yellow faithful, but you’re also guaranteed at least one complimentary insult: Do you have any concerns about Kuhn’s knee holding up this year? I dunno. Least we didn’t have Gary Anderson HUHUH faggot. The phrase ‘Kick me when I’m down’ does not apply in this state, likely because it’s never been used by the native population. Can you hold two ideas in your head at the same time? Or has the one-two brain punch of Natty Light sixers and Cabela’s PS2 marathons damaged any chance of that?

At first I thought it was just me, and that my sad, pathetic Vikings were just that sad and pathetic. But I’ve also met a few fans from Chicago and Detroit and lemme tell ya, ain’t nothin’ like Wisco. Ya won a bunch of sports championships, but HOLY SHIT FIND A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE HERE. I don’t mean to belittle such an accomplished franchise as the likes of Bart Starr and Vince Lombardi alone are indellible chapters in the sport’s history. Just know that a bunch of trophies back from when the NFL was a 12-team league doesn’t give you license to be a cock to everyone else on the planet. The neo-apologists are the worst ones, because they know what they are and still don’t care. Yeah, I’m like a dick about the team I love an’ all but WORLD CHAMPS, BITCH. Admitting you’re an asshole doesn’t alleviate the fact that you’re still an asshole. Asshole.

Madison is fantastic, and Wisconsin has a lot to offer. Have you been to the Dells yet? It’s a 30 minute trip to water park paradise. Unfortunately, it might be time for Packer fans to go. Maybe the NFL can bundle that in with this concussion-savvy overhaul? Geography be damned, Gooddell outta force Green Bay to swap divisions with the Giants so the rest of the football world can watch in satisfaction as the Packer and Cowboy fan bases out-stupid each other to death. Perhaps Roger won’t have to. With the ever-expanding potential of a social platform to say really stupid things to a ton of people at the same time (case in point), maybe the Green Bay faithful finally manage to distance themselves from those awful folks in lllinois and Minnesota. It’d be like giving an army of backwards, mouth-breathing red necks access to the world’s trashiest marketing campaign.

Whew. That felt good. Now I can go back to writing reviews only my mom reads. Thanks for the inspiration, Deadspin.

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One response

22 08 2012
Stephen Dixon (@stephenjdixon)

Thank God you don’t know anybody who is a Yankees AND Packers fan

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