Entrepreneur of The Month: Melky Cabrera

20 08 2012

August’s entrepreneur of the month comes to us all the way from San Francisco. He’s been thoroughly dominating the 2012 MLB season up until, ehhhh about Thursday of last week when he tested positive for synthetic testosterone in a random urine drug screening. Basically, as most baseball fans already know, Melky Cabrera got caught juicing with his pants at his ankles and a Barry Bonds-size syringe in his b cheeks. Rough news for the Melk Man to say the least. At this point you’re probably thinking, so far none of this has anything to do with entrepreneurship, JD. What gives? Relax Myme nation, it’s Cabrera’s cover-up attempt earlier this summer that happens to be chock full o’ the entrepreneurial spirit. The Giants all star basically hatched a plan to create a fake website for a fake product that he could then say he used, thus the reason for his spike in synthetic testosterone. Fug’zin entrepreneurial genius, eh?

Fake it til you make it, demonstrated to a T. And isn’t that what being an entrepreneur is all about, folks? Nobody starts a business knowing what the fuck they’re doing. It’s basically a massive roll of the dice. Last I checked, you pretty much just jump in blind and hope for the best. Take the Beanie Babies guy for example. No way in hell he had a clue how the stuffed animal game worked in 93. But he dove in head first and before long kids across the globe were wetting themselves for a chance to buy “Peace” the tye dyed beanie baby bear. Fast forward 15 years, Beanie Babies are worthless and that dude is still rich as hell, probably getting his meat helmet sucked by Brazilian sluts in his mansion seven days a week.

Melky used that same theory. He figured, shit I’m going to test positive regardless, might as well try and pull a fast one on MLB and the players union with a super legit fake website. Here, take $10,000 and pay some nerd to build it, I’ll be dominating the MLB All Star game. Kinda sounds like the plot to Accepted, doesn’t it Justin Long? Well if it hadn’t been for famed FDA investigator Jeff Novitzky and agents from MLB’s investigative arm and those meddling kids, he would’ve gotten away with it too.

“Yeah, so Melky we found this giant jug o roids in your kitchen.”

“Huh….that’s weird because CHECK OUT MY NEAT NEW WEBSITE.”

“See you at the ballpark tomorrow!”

I for one, applaud Melky’s move here. Yeah it sucks he’s tarnished his reputation and career forever but it kind of seems like the perfect publicity stunt to eventually re-launch the fake website and start selling some real shit. Melk knows he’s going to have a lot of free time on his hands. Maybe dick enlargement pills or a Muscle-Melk type rip off product? I’d buy both of those products. The rest of America might boo you once the 50 game suspension (maybe more) is up, but not I. I’m officially on the Melk wagon.


– JD




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