BREAKING: Beasts of the Southern Wild not limited to douche bags

16 08 2012

By Kleinz 57

Let me stop you right away, because I know what you’re probably thinking: Beast of My Southern Whatnow? I frequent OD Mime territory for tits and cheap references to ballsack. Now, on with the inconsequential rappers! First, we’ve got a brand spanking new piece on the urban sonnets of Paul Wall, so shift your Honda back into park. Second, and more importantly, do you like drugs? Because Beasts of the Southern Wild is  a messed up, acid-laced fairy tale, not just eye candy for ‘high-art’ dick chips.

Absurdly confident six-year old Hushpuppy (Quvenzhané Wallis) — yes, I did just copy and paste that — lives with her alcoholic father (Dwight Henry) in the middle of a New Orleans bayou, affectionately known as “the Bathtub.” The result of some Al Gore-inspired environmental nightmare, the Bathtub’s inhabitants swill shitty wine and hee-haw their slurred, often incomprehensible dialects at one another. But when the natural result of climate change leads to a tropical deluge as well as the emergence of an ancient race of cattle known as Aurochs, Hushpuppy finds herself battling competing parental influences, inclement weather, and one hell of a bad hair day.

As the trailer’s grainy photography suggests, Benh Zeitlan may have shot his feature-length debut through a shit-smeared windshield, but a really charming shit-smeared windshield at that. An early fireworks jubilee looks fantastic and resembles a colored version of one of those Levi’s commercials aimed at hipsters, even if we’re uncertain as to exactly why the fuck everyone is running and giggling in the first place. Ain’t the faintest idea why be laughin! Now take a roman candle, ‘chile! Henry and Wallis both offer great performances in their unconventional father-daughter relationship, even if Hushpuppy’s high-pitched shrieks and heavy-handed ‘Who Dat Narration’ are infrequent distractions.

Sometimes the stench of familiarity exaggerates a film’s missteps to such an extent that we forget any of its positives. Semi-Pro is Talladega Nights with a basketball; John Cusack plays John Cusack in a lot of John Cusack movies; The Lands Before Time II – XXVII become increasingly derivative, often to the point where Littlefoot’s jackin’ lyrics wholesale from Petrie’s dance number two entries prior, and that’s just sloppy filmmaking, Universal. Beasts of the Southern Wild feels very familiar because, by and large, it’s the grimy, creole version of a coming of age story that’s been told countless times before. I mean, if you ignore the impending stampede of horned Godzilla cattle. Either way, don’t worry about your uncultured nobjockey pals  dubbing you the ‘art fag’ at this year’s fantasy draft should you opt to see this over The Expendables 2. You should really ditch that habit of crossing your legs, though. Otherwise all bets are off.




One response

24 08 2012
Baseball » Blog Archive » JFN Heavy Duty PVC Windscreen 6′ High

[…] BREAKING: Beasts of the Southern Wild not limited … – Off Duty Mimes […]

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