A Guide to Douchey Golfers

14 08 2012

“I ❤ being a tool!” – Rory Sabbatini’s life motto

This past Saturday I played 18 with a few pals. Ended up taking SEVEN GODDAMN HOURS. Pretty sure I haven’t done anything for seven hours straight, ever. This lengthy round was in part due to some fairly heavy drinking taking place on our end, and mostly because the guys in front of us we’re slow as hell and from the looks of it, giant jagoffs. One of the guys was actually wearing a Rory Sabbatini pseudo-cowboy hat. Another guy in the group moved at the speed of Rex Ryan doing laps in a grotto filled with Valvoline. Sweet hat cuz, you looking to lasso a couple steers on the 18th green or what?

It seems like every time I hit the links I wind up behind a group of annoying assholes. It’s never the same type of annoying golfer either, it’s always pain in the ass people in their own special way. Just as I’m about to pay for my round at the pro shop they slither on in the open time slot before me. Chances are it’s because I’m a broke motherfucker and I only play the cheapest courses in town, but I think it’s might also be because its a proven fact that at least 70% of all people on a golf course at one time play like idiots. And keep in mind, I pretty much gargle testes out on the golf course. I’m terrible. But as terrible as I may be, I take pride in playing “ready golf” like a boss. One, two practice swings tops. Line it up and hope for the best, that’s my motto in golf and in being a hibachi chef. Could that be why my game is so whack? Possibly. Could that also be why I’m considered a real “treat” to play with? Definitely.

Anywho, I hate to see Mime compadres struggling behind some dip shit out on the course. So I compiled my top ten least favorite golfing assholes. That way you can categorize what you’re working with and more effectively play around/through/against them. Enjoy.

Loud Douche

As Kevin James said, you can tell this guy from a mile away. Usually can hear this fucker too. “RONNIE! TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH! HA HOO HA! Whadrya driving there, a tricycle?!!!?”

Practice Swings Douche

If I was playing with Kevin Na he’d have a putter lodged in his dick about two holes in. Just hit the damn ball.

Needs Advice Douche

Hey man, check this lie. Any thoughts? Let’s see…ahh, you’re jammed down a possum hole behind a maintenance barn, I’d use a 5 wood.

Gives Advice Douche

No, no, no you’re doing it all wrong. You’ve got to rotate your hips at a Forty SEVEN degree angle, jesus who taught you how to play? Mohammed Ali circa 2012? This guy usually sucks pretty bad himself.

Ball Retriever Douche

I’ll admit, when I was 8 I was totally this guy. Whipped that ball retrieve out like it was my dick at a urinal. I don’t think there’s one single golf tool that people hate to see more than this. “Ohhh fuck, he’s fishin for his damn ball again”.

Bad Math Douche

Again, I’m no golf saint. I use the footwedge with the best of em, but when you take four shots to get out of the bunker and then say, “put me down for a six” you’re a douche.

The Can’t Play Through Douche

I don’t want to stereotype here but then again I definitely do. Nine times out of ten it’s a group of ol hens who take offense when asked to play through. Listen Sally Field, not trying to watch you hit driver off the ladies tees on a 110 yard par three all day.

Refuses to Ride a Cart Douche

Did you know walking 18 holes burns over 3000 calories? Yep, I also know it sucks ass. Hop in a cart like the rest of America.

Temper Tantrum Douche

Actually more hilarious than douchey, as long as he/she is not in your group. Once saw a guy throw his brand new 52 degree in a lake.

Starter Douche –

Luckily you only have to worry about this guy at the start of a round. “You are which party? Please have your receipts ready for me to sign off on.” “Sorry man I threw mine out, it’s fuckin 2012 who keeps receipts any more?” “ARREST THESE MEN FOR SNEAKING ON TO OUR GOLF COURSE!!”


As most of you know, tread cautiously when confronting anyone on the golf course. Remember everyone out there has an arsenal of blunt objects and one more shanked approach could be cause for aggravated assault. But seriously, fuck all those people. Either learn how to play or get drunk and quit taking it so seriously like the rest of us.


– JD




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