An OD Mime’s Take: Bangs

10 08 2012

Just last night I’m chillaxin at Chateau de Mime aka my apartment and my roomate, Balls, brings up a great topic of conversation -chicks trying to pull off bangs. Granted, the conversation only lasted long enough for both of us to say “bangs for the most part look shitty” but you get the idea.

Well fast forward the VHS to this afternoon, I’m scouring my fourth favorite site, HuffPo Celebrity, to get all the dirty deets on our nation’s famous faces and wouldn’t you know it, bangs come up again. Turns out, J Timberlake recently told his fiance, Jessica Biel, to get the fuck rid of her bangs ASAP. I guess they’re supposed to hitched in a couple weeks and Justin won’t take the plunge unless her bangs are gone. Smart move by J Tims here. I’m no marriage expert but I’m pretty sure you’ve got to get these things out in the open prior to putting a ring on it. Plus its Jessica mo-fuggin Biel we’re talking about here. Top five hottie on the planet, arguably has the GOAT ass. She could be wearing a dead elk for a blouse and she’d still be a 12 out of 10. So when Timberlake says the look has got to go, you know its time to ditch it. Granted, in my opinion, bangs only lower Jessica to a below average 10.95, I’m sure Justin’s thought process here is, I’m marrying a 12 she better be looking like a 13 come wedding day.

Meanwhile, I like to consider myself a bit of a fashion guru. Men’s fashion, women’s fashion, tranny fashion, hobo fashion, you name it I’m in the loop. Heidi Klum calls ME for project runway advice. By that, I of course mean I still don’t know what a skinny tie is. Some sort of thin piece of paper covered metal to keep my loaf of bread from getting crusty? That’s honestly my best guess at this point. So by this blog’s standards, that means I’ve got all the credibility necessary to shred apart a women’s hair style. So here goes.

Bangs. Great name, not so great style. Ladies, if you’re about ready to stop reading the Mime because of the content of this post, hold up. Hear me out first. As with any style, there are about a million varieties of it in this world today. Some women can rock bangs with the best of them. Most women, simply put, can not. Even the ones who can, probably look better sans bangs anyways. That’s not my opinion, that’s pretty much every man’s opinion, so we’ll say that’s also science’s opinion. When I googled bangs I got a whole slew of gals who look hot as hell. Rachel Bilson, a normally babe-tastic gal, not so maaaach:

Yikes.

I’m sure most gals would agree, trying out bangs is just a way to switch things up. I get that. I’ve been around the block a couple times in the mens hair department. Fro? Check. Cornrows? Check. Military buzz? Check. Ski jump? Double check. I get that none of those hairstyles are attractive. I’m man enough to admit my jew fro didn’t necessarily moisten sophomore panties on a daily basis. I guess what I’m getting at is, just take a second to remember that most guys might think you’re not as hot as you used to be next time you rock bangs. That’s the long and the short of it. Plus they’ll probably make a “DUUUUUDE, she’s got bangs that means she wants to bang!! ha! get it?” type of comment to their buddy hoping to woo you later. So there’s two big things to avoid.

That’s about all I got on this topic. If I offended anyone, sorry for partying. Remember, Christina said it best:

 

– JD

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14 11 2012
Overreaction Wednesday: Let’s Drop the Act, Short-Haired Ladies «

[…] my sudden outburst on Anne Hathaway if you must, but ever since resident GQ man JD McGriddle waxed sexual on ladies n’ bangs, the OD Mime has become something of an expert on pop hairstyles. Why Hathaway, though? As some of […]

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