The Ultimate School

7 08 2012

With a fresh batch of back to school commercials reminding kiddies everywhere to saddle up in a few short weeks, it only seems right that your pals at TODM drop The Ultimate School. Plus, it’s been a minute since we dropped an ‘ultimate’ post. In our past two ultimates, The Ultimate Family and The Ultimate Company, we took a look at the greatest family and greatest company ever assembled. The resulting compilations were two of the Mime’s most popular posts. Legend has it that thousands a handful of people flock to those posts daily just to get a peek at what the ultimate family tree or business might look like.

Everyone’s always asking me “JD when’s the next ultimate post coming?” and “when are you going to stop pretending people like and read this blog?” and “when’s ‘Magic Mike dong close-up‘ not going to be your top google image search?”. The answer to all three one of those questions is today, folks.

For many a year, kiddos of all ages have envisioned the perfect school. For most, it was basically no school at all. For Yung JD it looked a little something like this.

The Mime presents – The Ultimate School (In no particular order)

Kindergarten – Kindergarten Cop

ITS NAHT A TUMAH. Not understanding one word of story time would be really the only downside.

2nd Grade – Ms. Frizzle

Wonder if the carpet matches the pubes. Doesn’t matter, bitch had a MAGICAL FUCKING SCHOOL BUS. Field trips to outer space and shit.

3rd Grade  – Veronica Vaughn

No brainer here. That’s one piece of ACE. If you learn one thing in her class, it’s what a boner is and why said boner is invading your shorts on a daily basis.

5th Grade – Dewey Finn AKA Ned Schneebly

Dude was the tytz, no doubt. Plus his sing-song teaching style made learning math fun!

6th Grade – Mary Kay Letourneau

OG Queen bee of the teacher-student banging. Pioneered the way for countless other horny teachers who wanted to plow their students. Dolin out premium lunchtime reach arounds and post-science lesson anal sessions like they’re candy. Basically begging to get pregnant with your illegitimate child. Let me harken back to that old phrase…IF SHE’S GOT BANGS SHE, ahh, well she, she more than likely wants to have sex.

7th Grade – Mr. Feeny

I know, he taught like every grade possible and was the high school principal. I like the 7th grade version best. Guy tossed out more life lessons than Jesus.

8th Grade – Debra LaFave

This smokehouse makes Mary Kay look like dead Joan Rivers. Plus instead of falling in love with her students she just bangs and runs. Hey billy thanks for the pounding I gotta correct these papers and then do an auto magazine photo shoot see ya!

Middle school gym – Kenny Powers

Makin up games and not giving any fucks THAT’S how middle school gym should be.

High school gym – Mr. Walters

Coaching 400m hurdles by day, slanging rock by night.

High school principal – Dumbledore


Mainly chosen because of his beard, but I think he also can protect students with various spells and magics and wands and what not.

High School English Tutor – William Forrester

Everyone here knows I struggle with the English language. It’s goddamn complicated. With a pal like Willy Forrest I’d have no worries. Plus dude can tell me, “You’re the man now, dog.”

High School Entrance Exams – Mr. Cartmanez


Can’t knock him for trying to reeech these keeeeeds.

High School Math – Ms. Norbury


She’s all about the math team and Lindsay Lohan or something. I guess she’s got neat glasses too.

High School Football Coach – Coach Norton

Even as a convicted felon locked up you can always count on Coach Norton.

High School Basketball Coach – Coach Carter

It wasn’t just your jumpshot Coach Carter was concerned about, it was your algebra skills, petty crime habits and condom wearing skills too.

High School Secretary – Grace from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off


Bitch was hilarious.

High School Philosophy – Yoda


One class ever is all Mr. Yoda needs to expand your mind with his backwards talk wisdom stuff. Plus dude would straight ball off the charts in the annual student-faculty basketball game.


KA-BOOM. If you make it all the way from K through 12 in this school of hard knocks you’re bound to be prepared for whatever life throws at you. For any of you wound up because ya dude missed a couple grades and/or subjects, toss any suggestions in the comments below.


– JD




One response

8 08 2012
Frank's Mom

Mary Kay Letourneau looks like Finkle from Ace Ventura..


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