OW: Roseanne Roast

26 07 2012

I know, I know, I hear ya. This week’s OW is a day late. That lands squarely on my shouldaz. But let’s be real, it’s the summer time, pretty much everyone is busy out tanning and grilling and playing frisbee and watching nature and eating ice cream and what not. Only people that still read the mime in July are cubicle monkeys and probably a few Arabic dudes overseas. Shout out to all the middle eastern Mime Compadres. Ain’t no thang though. JD Mcsandwich is going to keep pumpin out posts, no matter what.

Let’s dive right in.

As you can see above, I decided to write this week’s O-dub about Comedy Central’s upcoming roast of Roseanne Barr. Since about mid May I’ve seen more and more promos for this roast. The most recent one has America’s favorite lady hoss holding a shotgun shouting, “bring it on bitches!” Ok. We will!

Seriously though, is Comedy Central struggling to find roastees that bad that they wound up giving Roseanne a buzz? Bitch has done one successful show ever. ONE. Fuggin Roseanne. Killer show about a bitchy fat mom and her sucky family, basically. If you literally have seven minutes to waste, check out some season two highlights:


Ok, maybe I’m not the demographic they’re aiming for, but still. The 90s was pretty much jam fuckin packed with awesome sitcoms. I can think of ten off the top of my head I’d rather watch than Roseanne (In no particular order – Seinfeld, Home Improvement, The Fresh Prince, Full House, Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Everybody Love’s Raymond, fuck even Sister, Sister AND Sebrina The Teenage Bitch Witch). I mean you couldn’t flip on the tube in 95 without having a handful of baller shows to choose from. I might even go as far as saying it was the golden age of television. I just googled ‘Top 90s Sitcoms’ and IMDb has Roseanne listed at number five!? Am I missing something here? I guess word on the street is Roseanne tackled a bunch of controversial issues all while doing it with great production value, family values and comedic values. More like John Goodman tackled the cold cuts buffet on set every single day they were filming. No, in all seriousness he was the funniest part of the show. Always cooking chili and being fat and stuff.

So why choose Roseanne? I mean the most obvious reason is she’s an incredibly easy target and her price tag can’t be all that high. Her last run on television was Roseanne’s Nuts on Lifetime for christsake. Apparently it was about her macadamia nut farm in Hawaii. Sounds compelling. Lasted all of a month and a half. Not necessarily in hot demand these days. Comedy Central probably paid her two honey baked hams and she said fuck yes. Probably offered her a shed filled with Chinese food. Probably drove a wheelbarrow full of slapjacks up to her front porch and the deal was sealed. Alright I’ll ease off the fat jokes. But seriously, what an easy target. Tom Arnold’s dick this, flabby vagina that. Boom roasted. Sure wish the greatest roaster ever was around for this one (RIP).

Here’s what I’m basically saying. Comedy C, you can do better bros. Maaaybe, just maaaaybe you’ll prove me wrong and this roast will be the greatest ever, but I highly doubt it. Recent news that Jane Lynch will host already has things looking more promising. With title 9 and other feminists all up in your grill, I’m sure this had something to do with fulfilling a male-female roasting ratio. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (there is..).  Either way, you can bet your ass I’ll tune in on August 12th to see the carnage, but you can also bet you’re ass I also have a few suggestions for who should be roasted next. Do me a solid and pick at least one from this list at some point. Or don’t.

10. Regis Philbin

9. Mike Tyson

8. Tim Allen

7. The Rock

6. Charles Barkley

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger

4. Barbra Streisand

3. Randy Jackson

2. Mr. T

1. Bill Clinton


– JD




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