TODM Showdown: GILF Edition

23 07 2012

For this weeks showdown we’ve got two of Hollywood’s most lusted after GILFs going head to head.

Mary Steenburgen

vs.

Jane Seymour

If you ask me, too much hubbub often surrounds so-called ‘MILFs’ or Mothers I‘d Like-to Fingerblast Fuck, for those who’ve been living under a rock for the last 400 decades. “Oh, Sofia Vergara’s titties this… oh, Kate Beckinsale’s ass that.” As a nation, it seems we’ve become enamored with hot looking moms and somehow we’ve completely overlooked hot grandmothers, or GILFs/GMILFs. Sure the number of actually hot grandmothers is extremely low, but that just makes them more rare and thus, more HOT.

Woah there granny, hear me out.

This showdown might be the toughest one we’ve seen yet. Two legendary actresses. Both have very impressive bodies of work and, might I add, 60 year old bodies that DO IMPRESSIVE WORK. See what I did there? It’s because they both have fantastic titties. For most of us, Mary jumped in on the scene, rather late, in 2003’s Elf and 2008’s Step Brothers, while Jane had been on our radar for years with her constant Gerber Baby and Zales commercials, as the legendary, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and above all else, as ‘Kitty cat’ in 2005’s Wedding Crashers.  Both blazingly hot for their ages, but who will emerge victorious? Let’s fuckin find out!

 

Name: Often overlooked, having an attractive name can add numerous ‘hottie points’ (note: every pornstar ever).

Mary Steenburgen. Wowza. Nothing to write home to Uncle Billy about, that’s for sure. Steenburgen sounds like something a German dude  might scream in a Carl’s Jr drive-thru. It is her real name though, so I guess she gets a few bonus points for that. Jane Seymour. Hot. Super hot. Nah, it’s actually not that hot of a name, but compared to her real name (Joyce Penelope Wilhelmina Frankenberg) it might as well be Savannah Steele. Edge: Jane Seymour

 

Accent: Key ingredient in any hot lady souffle (cooking reference do anything in the way of laughs for anyone? No? Alright)

Mary was born and raised in Arkansas or some southern place. Jane is British. Both usually thought of as pretty hawt accents. I consider myself more of a British accent kind of feller, but what the fuck do I know? Edge: Jane Seymour

 

Personality: Shouldn’t matter all that much, am I right guys? Just kidding ladies, it totally does and stuff.

Mary seems like a pretty nice lady, she’s got that southern hospitality you know translates to being a generous GILF lover, plus being associated with Step Brothers means she’s gotta have a decent sense of humor. In real life, Jane is all about self help books and baby food and jewelry and donating your time and money to worthy causes. Boooring. Buuuut, she did let Owen Wilson feel her jugs. Edge: Mary Steenburgen

 

Memorable Hot Characters: Let’s be real, when it comes down to actresses, all us normal people only remember them for the characters they played. So yeah, this is a big one.

In the 70s and 80s Mary did a bunch of serious stuff that nobody remembers. I think she played the desperate housewife in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape but I’m not 100% on that. Fast forward a bunch of years, she played Will Ferrell’s hot, yet neglected, step-mom in Elf. Then she played Will Ferrell’s hot real mom in Step Brothers. Jane got her cherry popped by James Bond as Solitaire in Live and Let Die. Then she did some other boring stuff for a while. Then she gave countless pioneers mad Oregon Trail chubbies as Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman. Then as we already covered, she reached the pinnacle of GILF status as Kitty cat in Wedding Crashers. Edge: Jane Seymour

 

Cup Size: Because, c’mon, we’re all wondering it.

Mary rolls with a respectable pair of 33Bs. Jane rocks a somewhat surprising 36B. Edge: Jane Seymour.

 

Grandmother Status: Of course, being around the age of a grandmother doesn’t necessarily mean you actually are a grandmother. Gotta be able to back up the G in GILF.

According to everyone’s favorite source, Wikipedia, Mary has one granddaughter as of January 2012. Jane has, get this, no grandchildren. Could it be? I thought with all those Gerber baby commercials she’d have a whole gaggle of grandkids. Guess not.

In a wild turn of events, front runner, Jane Seymour is disqualified. Mary Steenburgen wins!

I think I speak for us all when I say what a shock. Ted Danson you lucky son of a bee-sting. Goddamn, I hate  how much I love Becker, but goddamn if I don’t respect it. Congrats Mary, you won a limited edition TODM stuffed fox. Hold on the line, we’ll grab your info.

 

– JD

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2 responses

26 07 2012
Kleinz 57

No need to do a Great-GILF showdown. We all know Helen Mirren would win by a furlong.

21 08 2012
TODM Name Showdown: Doug v Curtis «

[…] than the Off Duty Mime showdown. In past showdowns we’ve pitted arch rival news anchors, and hot grandmas and, well, that’s pretty much been it so far. The result? Two of the most  least epic […]

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