Overreaction Wednesdays: John Cena’s Trouble In Paradise

18 07 2012

Maybe it’s the sweltering heat that has my mind feeling like the blocking sled on the set of The Blind Side, I’m not sure. I’ll I can say is writer’s block out the ass. Must be how Paul Wall feels when he writes any song ever. Shiiiiit, can’t think of anything. Guess I’ll just spit some bars about my mouth and its various diamonds and jewels. No disrespec to Paul, true story – I actually met him at an autograph signing in a Best Buy in Richfield, MN. Dude gave me some real deep advice to live by AND funny enough, his mouth was illuminatin like a lamp. But that’s beside the point. I gave the ol WB a tombstone piledriver, visited everyone’s favorite news source, TMZ, and immediately began pumping out an OW for the people.

What’s today’s OW about you ask? If the above picture and tombstone piledriver reference didn’t already give it away, you’re in for a real treat. It’s about the WWE. More specifically, the WWE’s most celebrated icon aka the chain gang soldier aka John Cena.

It’s no mystery yah dude JD’s been a John Cena fan since day one. Guy can do it all and by it all i mean IT ALL. So whilst getting my weekly fill of celebrity buzz, I came across a story about John making peace with his ex-wife amidst a nasty divorce. What a gentleman and a scholar, huh? Add that to the ever-growing list of reasons why John Cena is America’s last true G. Then take a peek at his soon to be ex, Elizabeth Huberdeau:

Total nutjob. A. She has a koala B. She kinda looks like said koala. Boom. Bat shit crazy town.

Here’s the thing though, it takes a mountain of a man to “make peace” out of court with that biatch. I can just imagine how it went down. Bitch probably stormed up to his palatial manor throwing cats and tampons, hollerin about how she found out he’s porking babes around the globe and he never spends time with his in-laws and what have you. Newsflash honey, you’re married to John Triton/Danny Fisher –

Unless you’re kidnapped by international criminals, John Triton ain’t gonna do shit. Come to think of it, Johnny probably dropped the divorce bomb on Elizabeth because after three long years of marriage she hadn’t been kidnapped. Started getting kind of bored not being able to swan dive out of exploding buildings and save buses full of innocent bystanders while on a quest to save his true love from death. Married life started getting boring. Quick. Sure, playing Scategories with her girlfriends and then getting a good night blowjob is fun, but a relationship with John Cena needs more danger. He’d rather drive a stolen cop car off a cliff, murder a couple criminals and end the day titty fucking on their corpses before the coroner shows up.

Then I read a little further on the divorce details. Sounded a little fishy. Apparently things were getting “nasty quickly” with pre-nups and cheating and attorneys and courtrooms and the whole she-bang. Then boom. “All matters in the divorce have been settled and resolved amicably.”

 

How do you go from ready to bury a duffel bag of hatchets in each others skulls to literally burying the hatchet in the back yard and (obviously) ending things with a goodbye jackhammering? I’m no divorce attorney, but I’ve got some theories.

1. Bitch finally realized she’s about to lose bi-weekly dickings from the Doctor of Thuganomics and begged for forgiveness.

2. John Cena played this song:

And they put the beef and the gats to the side, hugged and made up.

3. He gave her one Five Knuckle Shuffle and the dispute was resolved.

Whatever the reason may be, I’m glad things came to a friendly resolution. Now Johnny C can hop back in the ring and continue taggin broads all across the nation without some koala loving weirdo waiting back home.

 

– JD

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