Entrepreneur of the Month: The Big Hurt

17 07 2012

First and foremost, let me say The Big Hurt himself seems to be looking great these days. Almost got a scratched retina from glancing at that shiny dome. Due to the suit I can’t accurately gage how his behemoth gunz are looking but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Chances are they’re still larger than my waist.

Any-who, for those that don’t keep up to speed on America’s malt liquor scene, Frank Thomas recently (sometime last year I think) came out with his own malt-ish liquor-beer, ‘Big Hurt Beer‘. And yes, it is everything you thought it would be and more. I’m talking 24 ounces of delicious golden foam-y-ness at a price even Mort Goldman can’t deny rules – $1.99 a can. If you haven’t already stopped reading and left your house for the liquor store, wait, there’s more. Each can is 7% alcohol. Boom. Tastes good great, gets you drunk AND it doesn’t big hurt your wallet! I’m going to tip-toe out on a limb here and say America’s in for Frankie Thomas’ best product since 1995’s Big Hurt Baseball. I think I played that once at my boi Patrick’s house and immediately switched back to Ken Griffey Jr.’s Winning Run but whatever. It was kind of a fun game, Frank. Nothing to hang your head about.

In reality, I’ve yet to try Big Hurt Beer. Rest assured loyal Mime amigos, I’m going to try it and by try it I of course mean get shit-housed off of it. Seems like a fun way to support an already rich man while simultaneously marketing a product that will be largely consumed by alcoholic hobos and drifters. Plus, it looks like Frankie kind of stole Big Black’s basic logo idea and just jammed an H in the middle.  Probably a classic case of a big ol’ coincidence, I guess.

All bashing aside, we wish Franklin Tho-mas all the best luck in his current business endeavors. In fact, we wish so much good upon Frank that we actually came up with some even better product endorsement ideas for the big fella.

Here’s what we got Frank. See something you like – give me a shout. See something you don’t – aint no thang.

 

The Big Hurt Shirt Collection

Fat guys need big shirts at a price that won’t big hurt your walle….ah damn I already used that one. Oh well. Idea one – a fashion line of trendy shirts for huge people.

 

The Big Squirt Dildo Collection

I think the name pretty much says it all. And hey, if that’s too racy of an idea, how about:

 

The Big Squirt Super Soaker

Maybe it shoots water ballon baseballs or something? Eh? Because of the he played baseball thing?

 

The Little Hurt – Children’s First Aid Kits

Screw that cute little monkey. Picture your mug on that kit. That’s what kids need. The Big Hurt encouraging first aid.

 

Big Hurt Forearm Camp

A summer camp focused soley on getting campers HUGE forearms. Activities include swinging 12 bats at once and monkey bars.

 

Cialis

Maybe wait a couple years, but this one seems like a no-brainer. Slogan could be, “Cialis helps me hit a home run with my penis any time of the day” or something along those lines.

 

The Big Hurt Home Alert (System)

Pretty simple idea here. If you’re old and you fall, why not dial 911 through six different pre-recorded Big Hurt catchphrases. Including, “Going, going, gone!”, “Caaaah-blawie!” and my favorite, “Hey 911, some old bitch took a spill!”

 

About now we’re at the point where things have gotten slightly out of hand. Can’t knock the hustle though. Looks to me like Frankie T. has some preeetty decent business ventures to choose from.

 

– JD

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1 10 2012
Underrated Hottie of the Week: Double Feature «

[…] Weird that people would rather check out a pair of premium boobies than read a premium article on Big Hurt Beer. Sometimes the human race baffles […]

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