TODM Showdown: Kent Brockman vs. Tom Tucker

13 07 2012

vs.

In a brand nip-spankin new segment to the Mime, creatively titled ‘TODM Showdown’, we’ll pit two pseudo-arch nemeses against each other in a winner takes all scenario. Why you ask? Because I thought it up about twelve seconds ago, that’s why. For our inaugural showdown we’ll take a look at two of American television’s most decorated and glorified news anchors. It’s a battle of two golden warrior titan legend heros if I’ve ever seen one. In the right corner we’ve got Springfield’s mighty news gladiator, Kent Brockman. In the left, Quahog’s mustachioed playboy, Tom Tucker. Who will win? I have no fuckin clue. Guess we’ll figure it out along the way. Enjoy!

 

Looks: Everyone and their cat knows to be a successful news anchor you need to have good looks on lock down. Can’t give people the news looking like the underside of Anthony Davis’ pube sac. Not quite B-rad Pitt – even straight dudes would consider finger blasting you for a few seconds – good looks. Nay. More like chiseled, grisled, for-shizzeled, manly-man looks that make people instantly drop their babies and listen the fuck up when you’re talking.

Tommy Tucks reps the mustache to the fullest while Kent consistently reminds America that silver flat tops aren’t just for gorillas. We later find out that Tom Tucker’s mustache is fake, but I’ll look the other way on that one. Edge: Tom Tucker.

 

Ladies: Can’t crush it big time on major news networks without having a flaming hot sidepiece to back it up. Peter Jennings did it I think. So did Ron Burgandy.

Kent Brockman’s love life was largely kept under wraps with only rumors a’swirlin about him possibly dating the Channel 6 weather girl. Deep down I know Kent was crushing veeg all day erry day. Meanwhile, Tom Tucker’s twice divorced and dated a shitload of busted faces. Well maybe just one. Unfortunately for Tom, Peter’s mom was strike one, two and three. Edge: Kent Brockman.

 

Skills: To pay the bills and also tell the news. The more baritone the vocals, the better. Gotta be able to one take the 10 oclock news in a similar ease as 2012 Jessica Simpson blasting through a Taco 12 Pack.

Both take their work so seriously even everyday interactions must be treated like the news. Tom Tucker is a two sided animal regarding his skills. Dudes on point every night, despite having to deal with a co-anchor, something Kent Brockman’s never seen. But his reproductive skills suck ass, case and point his upside down faced son. Kent has been holding the news down in Springfield for like 24 years. Definition of a seasoned vet. Add to extensive tenure his ability to paint a beautiful verbal picture to his audience night in and night out, boom total package. Plus he does all his own on-scene reporting. Edge: Kent Brockman.

 

Theme Music: Seems like a must have for anyone who calls themself a news anchor.

Tom Tucker has no theme music as far as I can remember. Kent Brockman has this:

Edge: Kent Brockman.

 

News Team: Even more important than a hot babe on your side is having a trusty news team. Even the strongest of anchors can crumble like a dry fig newton in my pocket yesterday when they have no crew to back them up.

Tom Tucker has assembled one of the finest and might I add, most diverse news teams this country’s ever seen. Ollie Williams crushes the weather, Tricia Takanawa is all Asian and stuff, and Joyce Kinney is a major upgrade from Diane Simmons who is now dead or something. Aside from his helicopter pilot I believe Kent Brockman has no news team. Edge: Tom Tucker.

 

Partying: Being a news anchor and partying hard go hand-in-hand like rabies and hand grenades. However that saying goes dammit, the point is they go together.

Tom Tucker  apparently gets down. As evidence in that Eye on Springfield video, so does Kent. By the looks of it, a little harder than Tucks. Edge: Kent Brockman.

 

 

Winner: Kent Brockman.

Way to go Kent! You just won a limited edish TODM baseball cap. Hold on the line, we’ll get your information.

 

– JD

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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21 08 2012
TODM Name Showdown: Doug v Curtis «

[…] think of a better venue than the Off Duty Mime showdown. In past showdowns we’ve pitted arch rival news anchors, and hot grandmas and, well, that’s pretty much been it so far. The result? Two of the most  […]

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