Cheaper By The Four Dozen

13 07 2012

“This shit adds up, man.”
-Adam Smith

With Barry O. and Mitch Romney arguing over tax returns for the next few months, I don’t think this economic recession is gonna take care of itself anytime soon. Call me a cynic. The real downside is that anyone trying to keep up with the summer’s biggest hits and misses has to sacrifice a significant chunk of their change.

Fortunately, there’s a cheap solution:

The Asylum is a low-budget production studio and distributor of movies whose DVD covers are cleverly marketed to be pretty much the same as the originals if you were to squint really hard while wearing sunglasses. Well known for its massive production output, The Asylum has achieved internet infamy for its uncanny knack for turning YouTube “like” bars into red lightsabers.

Since I’ve already had some experience with this kinda thing, I’ll highlight a few notable entries:


Better reread that title.

Yeah, they tricked me, too. Well, a friend of mine actually, who believed Paramount would honestly release a movie TWO FUCKING WEEKS AFTER IT PLAYED IN THEATERS. We don’t talk much anymore.

Sadly, there’s no Megan Fox — or likely “Meghan Phox,” the cheaper, sluttier, probably deformed equivalent — but the robots with Tekken 2 graphics are pretty sweet.

H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds

A sterling example of how little of a fuck The Asylum gives about copyright infringement. H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds was not one, not two, but one of three movies released in 2005 based on the same novel. It gives no fucks.

No word yet on whether the alien assault gets thwarted by Jake Busey’s overbite, though.

American Warships 

Bigger. Better. Blacker. No seriously. If you want a chocolate take on Taylor Kitsch’s soy milk ass, Carl Weathers has a triumphant turn here as “General McKracken” which, yeah.

Perhaps the epitome of budget alternatives this summer, this thing is up and running on YouTube as I live and breathe. In full. Fo’ free.

2012: A Bunch of Stuff

Thus, with 2012: Doomsday, 2012: Supernova, and 2012: Ice Age, The Asylum simultaneously gave the finger to Hollywood and its own style by birthing three separate movies from that one time John Cusack flew a plane off a cliff.

The 9/11 Commission Report

A “chilling dramatization of the findings laid out in the best-selling 9/11 Commission Report.”

So as I understand it, this is a movie about a couple of fucking file folders. Never forget.

The Day the Earth Stopped

It’s certainly direct. I’d recommend this on the simple fact that The Asylum was smart enough to swap out a Keanu Reeves clone for the alien “Skye,” played by C-lister smokeshow Sinead McCafferty. Now I don’t know if wife beaters are of any cultural significance on Planet Libido, but obvious-name-metaphor aside, I’m in.

Allan Quartermain and the Temple of Skulls

What you’d get if only George Lucas made that last one.

Pirates of Treasure Island

Fun Fact: The actor playing “Long John Silver” is the same guy who voices those Droid commercials. Well, probably not anymore now.

Here’s hoping this is actually about his epic quest to start a fast food chain that exclusively serves cold fish sticks.

Sherlock Holmes 

This might take the cake. Exact same title, COMPLETELY BAT-SHIT PLOT.

The bulk of YouTube ridicule seems to stem from the inexplicable presence of dinosaurs in a 19th century period piece, but I’m assuming that’s the whole mystery. Why in THE FUCK is that T-Rex there?! Sounds like a case for Sherlock Holmes! Pass the meth!

Titanic II

The only idea worse than attempting a sequel to a movie about a boat that’s already sank would be actually christening a cruise ship the “Titanic II.”

They do that, too.

Almighty Thor 

In the land of the Gods… and low-rent special effects… Kevin Nash is the homeless man’s Anthony Hopkins. Apparently.

If you wanted to see some One Tree Hill-looking butt steak flail around crappy Halloween swords on a TV movie, then this is probably for you.

As is this cyanide capsule.

Sunday School Musical 

What could be worse than a Disney-produced musical aimed at tweens? ADDING JEEZUS.

Don’t take it from me, though. Listen to the iMDb Message Boards:

“This should be plenty reason not to believe in a God.”

Amen, rmaxson1104. Amen.



* * *

It’s been pretty slow for notable releases… Fortunately, I’ll be back to reviewing next week when that other comic book movie comes to town and Alfred probably dies

-Kleinz 57




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