An Old Dirty Mime’s Take: Boomer

10 07 2012

Chris Berman. The man, the myth, the legend. As Frankie Fast Hands would say he was born to be hated yet dying to be loved.

Guys been on ESPN since Linda Cohn’s mug used to give dudes semi-chubs. Since Stuart Scott’s eye didn’t suck. Since Erin Andrews was an embryo. Sunday NFL Countdown, NFL Primetime, The Blitz, The Home Run Derby, The NFL Draft, The U.S. Open, MLB on ESPN, the list goes for days. All quality sporting programs you can’t turn on without hearing the grainy, in-your-grill voice of The Swami. Boomer’s kind of like that deranged, unmarried uncle that gets a little too drunk, yells about some shit and gets away with it at every family function. Deep down everyone knows he’s a massive fuck but he’s been around too long and says enough memorable stuff where you’ve just got to kind of sit back and let him do his thing.

Whether you love him, hate him, or just don’t give a shit about him, if you call yourself a sports fan you have to respect his lifetime of sports broadcasting work. Here at The Mime we’re more or less cool with Boom. But as time goes on, it’s gets harder to cling to the school of thought that he’s America’s lovable sports douche.

Take last night’s Home Run Derby for example. C Berms bumbled through a lengthy ass three hour broadcast which was highlighted by a geography lesson from George Brett and John Kruk going HAM on a tub of ribs. I’m no map expert, and those ribs looked freakin delicious so I won’t dwell on that, but the point is America is getting tired of Boom’s HR Derby schtick. Since 1986, Chris Berman has been doing the derby’s play-by-play. That’s a pant load of “BACK, BACK, BACK”s. Annoying? Yes. Unnecessary? Definitely. But would the HR Derby be the same without it? I’d argue maybe not.

It seems that even though Berman is an insufferable douche, he’s got a little bit of something that makes people enjoy his broadcasting. He toes the line of being absolutely unbearable and somewhat like-able with the grace of one thousand polar bears tip toeing across a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Since I was a youngster I’ve made a point to tune in on Sunday evenings in the fall to NFL Primetime (now The Blitz). Tommy Jackson’s passive big ol teddy bear nature balances out Chris Berman’s intense aggressive-ass nature perfectly. TJ provides the legitimate in depth analysis while Berman coins hilarious nickname after hilarious nickname. My personal favorites were Curtis ‘My Favorite‘ Martin and Mike ‘Your in good hands with’ Alstott. I’m also a sucker for his ever enduring “WHAAAP!” when describing spin moves, fumbles and laterals. Just hilarious every time. It’s the perfect sound effect for when I’m breaking 5Piece’s ankles in a friendly game of full contact backyard football, too.

Sadly though, for every hilarious nickname and well analyzed football highlight, an egotistical psycho rant or inside story (Smitties) of him creeping hard on some chick emerges. Just when I think the scales are tipping towards C Berman being a good dude, they flip right back the other way. It’s like a constant mental tug-of-war in my McGriddle noggin. The guy’s been the golden child of ESPN for 40 fucking years. Anyone can tell you when you’re a part of a media giant like that for the majority of your life you’re going to develop a hefty ego, if anything, by default. Sure, it doesn’t happen to everyone and Boomer’s definitely on one end of the dick-spectrum but I’m just saying I can see why he is how he is.

I guess what I’m driving at is this. ESPN is more or less a network filled with tools. From Trent Dilfer to John Clayton they’re all just a bunch of oddly shaped talking heads. Of course, exceptions can be made, and as I’m saying this keep in mind I watch ESPN every damn day of my life. But generally, Chris Berman is just another puffy, balding dick on the greatest network on television. He may say some ridiculous stuff and make you want to drop kick your TV on a regular basis but deep down the guy is good as hell at what he does and let’s be honest, sports wouldn’t be the same without him.

So Boom, keep fuckin trucking homey. The American public may want to anally fist you to death but keep in mind you’ll always have a couple pals at the Mime. WHAAAAP!

– JD

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