The Perfectly Adequate Spider-man

6 07 2012

Like I scribbled on the Post-It stuck to my Paradise Lost collage last year, I wasn’t feeling the paragraphs today. Instead, I’ll hand this one over to Mr. Marvel himself, Stan Lee. Admittedly, I’ve met the man once but squandered my fifteen seconds by asking if he ever tones it the fuck down with all those alliterations. Nope!

* * *

Greetings, true believers!

STAN THE MAN here to tell you why you should see everyone’s numero uno web-slinger this weekend in The Amazing Spider-man! Now I don’t know what in the name of GWEN STACY’s Ghost THE OFF DUTY MIME is, but his superpower would most definitely be dandruff manipulation!

Surely my temporary team-up on this very site necessitates a righteous cause, yes? Right you are, crusaders! You see, for the past few months, courageous collectors of the comic medium have flocked to my palatial palace to ask me one question: “Why another movie of the wondrous web-head?” Well much like the deepest secrets of the SKRULL Saga, the answer isn’t so simple!

As you might not know, gang, envisioning The Amazing Spider-man was no easy feat. We took Sam Raimi’s 2002 flick, gave the redhead a dye job, swapped out one green meanie for another and THWIP! Now we’re looking at 100 million smackeroos this weekend! All that with the added bonus of exploring PETER PARKER’s parents and their perilous past. You’ll get to see his untold origin, but only a glimpse of it. We intentionally drop that plot thread a third of the way in only to hopefully drain that well for two more sequels. Heck, make it five! Everyone’s friendly, neighborhood you-know-the-drill could go up against SHE-HULK, BLACK PANTHER, and HOWARD THE DUCK so long as you proud purchasers of the printed form keep paying. KINGPIN’s moneymaking schemes ain’t got nothing on yours truly!

We’ve really turned things up to 11 this time. SPIDER-MAN is back in 3D to face his greatest nemesis yet: flying CGI’ed debris! You may think you’ve seen this story before but you haven’t! We cut down the action for plenty of dialogue-driven diatribes. We’ve got character moments! Teen romance! Unexplained motivations! Maybe you’re just in this to see if Sally Field is still the cat’s pajamas, and oh boy is she ever! Frankly, folks, we’re throwing too much story at you with this one. With Marc Webb at the helm — who may or may not be a secret Spidey side-kick in disguise — The Amazing Spider-man‘s got more of a wallop than a BLOB/JUGGERNAUT boxing match!

Before I leap back to my lavish Los Angeles lounge, I urge you to feel no shame in repeat viewings, faithful disciples! We’ve hocked in more Easter eggs and vague throwaway lines than MATT MURDOCK can shake his cane at, so be prepared to see this thing four or five times! 

Seriously, gang, your blind allegiance to the magnificent might of MARVEL COMICS is going to really count in two weeks; to quote the late, great Jack Kirby, “Fuck Batman!”

Excelsior!

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