The Brow Jones is up 300 points

26 06 2012

Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce! Your face! Its like an ancient Chinese emperor mated with a wicker basket.


I know, I know that title is a stretch and a half. It’s like a stock market reference and so, given he’s about to be drafted number one overall his stock is risin….ahh fuck it. Get off my meat helmet, it’s Tuesday and my creativity is at an all time low. Essentially, I figured The Mime has yet to sound off on America’s favorite uni-brow, Mr. Anthony Davis. Which direction am I going to take it, you ask? Well I could say that dude makes Beetlejuice look like Tyrese Gibson. I could also go out on a limb and say if Anthony passed out at a party with his shoes on, whoever grabbed the nearest sharpie for some face drawings would probably instead use it to stab their eyes out for fear of staring directly into that mug. I mean there’s no way you could make it any worse. A hastily written ‘sex hole’ on his cheek with an arrow pointing left would for sure be an upgrade. I could even trash his teeth by saying, oh I don’t know, I’m pretty sure one is growing out of his goddamn tongue! Jesus and Ezekiel must’ve been late for a 8:14 tee time at Whistling Heavens Irish Course when crafting up Anthony’s face, because it’s just a train-wreck up there.

Yet, for some reason (could be that he’s unreal sick nasty at the game of basketball) A-Dave don’t care one bit that he looks like the cyclops from Homer’s Odyssey. In fact, he straight up embraces it like a mother flippin fiend. Dude even went as far as trademarking his signature look and catch phrases for fear of others copying them. He’s quoted as saying, “I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it.”

First and foremost, Anthony, buddy I think your signature look is safe. A) Aside from the weird cashier at Jimmy John’s down the street, you’re about the only cat anyone knows that rocks a uni-b and B) You’re 12 foot eleven. If we gave Bear Grylls a billion yen and told him to spend the rest of his life searching the world over for someone or something that looks like you, he wouldn’t even come close.

Secondly, I have to say I can totally get down with Mr. Davis’ business savvy here. He knows what his strengths are and he plays on them like a tiny mouse plays a miniature fiddle. By that I of course mean he uses them well. The unibrow probably started as an ‘I’m too young to control my above-eye hairs yet and I’ve already hit puberty’ thing. Then since he was, from what I imagine, slaying vicious box as a stud on the AAU bball circuit at a young age, he didn’t ever shave it. If it ain’t broke, why fix it?  Next, he combined his signature look with the vast entrepreneurship knowledge he gained during one LONG year of schooling at the University of Kentucky and boom, registered trademarks o plenty.

So, as y’all can gather, the New Orleans Hornet’s aka The New Orleans David Sterns are going to be hemorrhaging gift shop profits right back into Anthony’s pockets. I’m talking stacks on stacks. That, or they’ll have to come up with new unibrow slogans like “How Now Uni-Brow?” or “Brow SMASH” or “Brow-er Power!” or “What Can Brow Do For You?”. Maybe not that last one, UPS might get a little pissed. Lastly, any professional athletes with unibrows better find the nearest Gillette Fusion Pro Glide and turn shaving into gliding and skeptics into believers. Oh and also clean up your wanna-be unibrow.

All in all, brilliant move by the NBA’s new pretty boy. Now any time anybody says or writes “Fear the Brow” or “Raise the Brow” you have to pay 12 bucks to Mr. Anthony Davis LLC….fuuuuuuck.


– JD




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