The Gym: A Variety Pack of Weirdos

22 06 2012

About a year ago I decided to finally nut up and join the local YMCA. Figured it was time to shed my praying mantis body type and turn over a fresh, muscular leaf. Maybe bust out a few squat thrusts every other Monday, get on a strict wind-sprint regimen, join a zumba class, who knows. Turns out I mainly just hit the weights a few times a week, low weight – high rep, high weight – low rep, just like my main man Smitties drew it up. As most people know, the gym is filled to the brim with oddballs. Especially the YMCA. Some of y’all might disagree but that’s only because you’re a member of some exclusive athletic club where you play lawn bowling and spot each other squating golf bags. The rest of us sweat it out daily at the neighborhood gym and THAT’S where all the action’s at as far as I’m concerned. Each day you never know who’s going to be reppin out lat pulldowns next to you. Could be Pump from MTV’s Made, could be a hairless midget.

Sure, sure there’s always been more than enough vids/articles/blogs covering various stereotypical guys at the gym. Matter of fact, a little while ago a pretty hilarious vid called ‘Don’t be That Guy at the Gym’ went all viral on the interwebs. Sadly though, just didn’t do quite a decent enough job nailing guy AND girl gym stereotypes. Ok, maybe they did but then I wouldn’t have anything to post about, ya stupid dick.

So here’s a down and dirty version of the various types of people I’ve found exist at most gyms across the nation. Chances are if you work out at a YMCA, you fall into one of these categories. Enjoy.


Post-college dude trying to keep from getting fat


Post-college chick trying to not be fat any more


Old dude doing weird exercises with really light dumbbells


Old gal doing strangely impressive calisthenics in the ab room


Inseparable couple doing entire workout together (major man law violations)


Dude jacked out of his mind


Jacked out of his mind dude’s older friend who’s less jacked than him, but still way bigger than you


Fat – buff guy


Smokin hot babe who clearly doesn’t need to be there at all


Dude who grunts out each rep like a goddamn goat


Decent looking chick who makes herself hotter by doing extremely sexually suggestive stretches


Obese guy or gal huffing a quarter mile out on the treadmill with a personal trainer


Dude who wanders aimlessly talking with people for an hour (Frank)


Sweaty ass motherfucker


Scary muscular chick doing one-handed pull ups probably wearing a bandana


Over aggressive amateur barking out tips when your form is slightly wrong


Skinny guy who should cut his losses and hit up a Culver’s instead 


Naturally, I fall in that last category. What’s that old saying though? Gotta put in the man hours to become a beast. Yep. There she be. It’s an extremely slow work in progress, but one day I’ll be flexing nuts with the best of em. Plus, I’ve been told by numerous legit sources that biking .9 miles on the recumbent bike twice a week lowers my chances of a heart attack.


Enjoy the weekend erryone.


– JD




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