Overreaction Wednesdays: PETA

13 06 2012

Holy nips! Another Wednesday comes and (almost) goes and yah brethren JD McBreakfastfood is left to supply loyal Mime champions with an OW all by hisself. Same shit different day I guess. Tell you what, I think I know how it feels to be lost at sea by myself. All alone, floating on my airplane seat cushion. My friends took a different flight and are probably crushing Coronas and slamming strange beef in Cancun by now. Sharks start circling their newest prey. Immediately I shit myself. It’s a rough feeling, but I think you get the picture.

Well if Larry The Cable Guy taught me anything in life it’s that you got to git er dun. Can’t stop and sob violently near the roses. Gotta keep moving onward and upward like Simba did in the Lion King. Alright, enough of this boring ass talk. Let’s get into it mayne.

Today’s OW seems a little overdue on my end. That is unless you’re like my new roommate and are a ‘sometimes-vegetarian’. In that case, Balls, if you’re reading this cut your losses and stop now. I really don’t want to find a bunch of educational pamphlets on recycling and spinach in my bed this weekend.

PETA. One of America’s gayest organizations ever formed. Some say a pack of bored sheep thought up the idea on the eve of their slaughter and the rest is history. Alright, nobody says that. But the point is PETA has been fighting a sort of pointless fight for quite a while now. Not to knock PETA or anything, but you were formed in a country built on the foundation of slaying animals and feasting on them. Your platform is don’t eat animals in a country who’s national slogan might as well be “Land of the Free and the Home of the Whopper“. Most people could tell you right off the bat in a scenario like that, success is going to be limited. But PETA’s stuck around, gained a few large breasted celebrity spokespeople, and surprisingly made some moderately noticeable moves. Sure, they’re about more than just eating animals with their official slogan, “animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment”. True, however what are animals for if not those things? Living in harmony with? Playing legos with? Changing my oil? I for one don’t really want to live in harmony with bears.

I guess, despite my previous statements, I’ve sort of always been indifferent towards PETA. Like, you go do your thing and eat tree bark for breakfast, test erection meds on robots, sit in cloth seats and wear clothes made from milk cartons. I’ll be over here crushing a bison steak, testing my new strain of super Cialis on rats, sitting in uber comfy leather sofa and rocking my rare fox headdress.

Then they dropped this super douche PSA video the other day and I nearly spit out my lamb shoulder…


Well tweeze my nip and call me Randy Jackson. (If you’re keeping track at home that’s two nip mentions in the same post)

I’d like to first meet the man that created this ad and filet a King Salmon and eat it at his dinner table. Then, I’d like to ask him what kind of bath salts he was snorting when he thought up this video. The kind from Bath and Body Works? I mean how can you even begin to compare any one of those things to a fish being somehow still alive in what looks to be a restaurant kitchen and not being able to scream for help? I thought fish were dead on arrival and then immediately thrown in the freezer? Maybe use a lobster and it’d be more realistic. That’s not the point. So human trauma from sexual assault = a largemouth dying on a cutting board? Not so sure about that. Plus, lets think for a minute if fish could actually speak. Holy lord fishing would be a terrible sport. Reeling a Walleye in the boat and the fish is just cussing your ass out and loud as fuck. Probably bring more guns fishing I guess would be the solution to that. The only talking fish I know is Big Mouth Billy Bass. Dude was pretty brutal on the annoying scale. I think I set mine on fire after about 20 minutes. So PETA, imagine a zillion Big Mouth Billy Bass then rethink that video. Seems a little extreme. Plus, even fish eat fish. I don’t think they care all that much.


– JD




One response

18 12 2012
People eating tasty animals against People Eating Tasty Animals

People Eating Tasty Animals: Over a zillion whoppers served since 1980

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