Your Guide to The World’s Hottest Accents

5 06 2012

So I’m at Mime headquarters this morning, cold calling like a freight train. Just chugging down the long and lonesome tracks of hard selling at a temperature as cold as the Rockies. Shout out to our future sponsor Coors Light. UnOfficial brew of the Mime. Grab an ice cold Coors Light today. Nothing cools you off like that rich pilsner taste. Coors Light. OfficialtrademarkCoorsLightMillerCoorsBrewingCompanyGoldenColorado. You might be surprised to learn that I consider myself a bit of a one man cortisone injection when it comes to cold calling. Just sliding into the knuckles of a company filled with rheumatoid arthritis and breathing fresh life. Loosening up joints and freeing up cash flows most firms didn’t even know existed. Just kidding I usually get a polite “go fist yourself”. Well fast forward to about 3:30 this afternoon, I’m on the phone with this sweet lil thang from South Carolina and I realized I was literally popping wood from her pronunciation of the words “take my number off your list, please”. Straight lava hot the way she said it. More than likely Phil Margera was on the other line, but it sure as hell sounded like I was chattin with April Buchanon from Eastbound & Down

Brings up an age old question that we haven’t had a chance to delve into yet. What is the sexiest accent? More importantly what is the least annoying accent? Why do all British people sound very knowledgeable in archaeology? Where do accents come from? What’s with the art-deco accent lighting in my parent’s kitchen? All valid questions, all questions I don’t know the answer to. Instead, I’m going to examine a farfetched and pointless scenario. Seems like the right direction to head in on this topic.  If you could pick a female companion based off accent alone which one would you choose? Initial inclings would point me towards choosing a good ol’ Midwestern US accent given my upbringing, but I can’t deny there are some pretty exotic accents out there.

I’d compare it to being forced to choose one condiment for the rest of your life. Like I want to keep it 100% with Ketchup but I know I’m going to get jealous of Mayo the second I make a double decker turkey sandwich and a dollop of ‘chup is my only spread option. So check this list before you pick an accent to enlist.

 

JD’s docket of hottest accents.

 

8. Inuit

Hot. No question there. Perfect for fine tuning my freestyle rap skills AND keeping rhythm in the bedroom. Tread cautiously if you’re porking an Inuit though. I’ve heard they have inside connecs with some preetty dangerous Arctic Elk gangs.

7. Chipmunk

Annoying factor would pretty much come into play instantly but you can’t deny the golden opportunities to re-enact scenes from Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked at the drop of a hat.

6. Japanese

Or maybe Chinese. I’ll just go with Asian. That is actually worse I’m being told? Ahh, whatevskis. These accents are definitely legit in terms of lack of grasp on the english language, thus I can say things like “venison locker” and “urethra” and “anal” and they’ll be in the dark still.

5. Czech

Czech out that accent. Just a little bit harsh but not quite to the point of an angry Russian wench. It says ‘I’ll sing you a lullaby but after that we can grill a couple lamb shoulders and I’ll rub you off behind my parent’s goat barn.

4. Spanish

Tried to find a sensual clip of Eva Mendes or Salma Hayek or someone saying sexy things but that’s not real life. Consuela nails a real life Spanish accent to the T. A little soft, a little hard to understand but mainly a lotta sexy.

3. Southern US

Hate to drop two clips of the same babe in one post but damn she pretty much has the hottest southern accent I’ve ever heard. Just baking biscuits and gravy and forcing premature ejacs every day of the week.

2. Australian

If you’re brain is broken and Nicky Whelan doesn’t convince you Aussies have the number two spot then maybe Steve Irwin (RIP big homey) or Koalas in the woods or Isla Fisher will.

1. British

Gotta give the number one nod to the Brits. Just too much hotness jammed into one accent for me to not make it numero uno. Alice Eve pretty much tips the scales. I now get why Vince finally wanted to settle down in Entourage. Shit, she’s probably calling him poppet and making him crumpits and tea and tossin around blowies like they’re spoonfulls of sugar from Mary Poppins. Lucky son of a snitch.

 

Honorable mentions: Brazilian, Italian, French, Onstar robot voice.

 

– JD

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