Rate That Food Joint with Gary Breadsticks

31 05 2012

Meet Gary H. Breadsticks.


Gary is a close friend of the Mime/Olive Garden aficionado/Scout leader/single father. Dude’s the total package. Any ladies out there doll yourselves up and get in line. Gary’s been laying his mack down at the Hart Park Senior Center for about two decades. So many notches on his bed post it looks like a family of beavers gnawed it to oblivion. He likes em older, I don’t know what to tell ya. Well, in between raising three young boys, slaying ethnic puss, grooming his legendary ‘stache and leading Den 103, Gary also likes to eat. He considers himself a bit of a food connoisseur. Thing is, Gary rarely goes to what most of us would consider ‘fancy’ restaurants. Not his style. He’d rather hammer down a Whopper and fries. I can dig that because, frankly, screwhouse those spots. The portions are too small, you have to lay your napkin on your lap and chances are your waiter is going to laugh at your pronunciation of  Blanquette de Veau.


The other day Gary tossed me this email.



Hows it going brother. Nice addition with the movie critic guy is a well written sonofabitch and pretty funny too. One quick thing though, I love Freddy Got Fingered so tell him to take back everything he said bad about that movie or I’ll find his house and do some bad stuff to it. Not illegal stuff but like throwing pebbles at his siding. Does he want slightly dented siding?? Anyways wheres your food critic at? Foods way more important than movies you cant survive on just watching movies everyone knows that. You can survive on beef jerky and mouthwash though I learned that in Nam. Just kidding I didn’t go to Nam. I did survive on beef jerky and mouthwash for a weekend once though. Back in community college I think it was. Broke my foot and my roomate went to Des Moines for a long weekend. Back to the food critic thing. Heres my proposal to you – I’ll write reviews on everyday restaurants and you can post them for me. My dial up internet sucks and I’m too lazy to go digital. Basically I’ll let you know if the place serves shitsteak or good chow. Deal?



Can’t say no to a face like that. Plus I’ve seen this guy at a Red Lobster. Never seen so many back to back surf n turfs. Couldn’t keep track. Wait is he surfing or is he turfing? Both? Is that possible? So join me in welcoming Gary Breadsticks as the common man’s  restaurant critic. Chances are he’ll be writing the majority of his reviews with help from his dog and his punctuation sucks balls. But it’s the effort that counts. Below is his first review of Panera Bread.


When I pulled up to this place I first thought why am I here again? Bread shops are for suckers. Then I thought there sure are a lot of gays in this parking lot. Add about four more butt pirates and a couple crying babies to the total once I stepped inside. Turns out for a place that sells mainly soup and salads it’s not that terrible. Their panini selection was legit and their soda cups are clear which was a nice touch. Kinda pissed me off when they asked me if I wanted to add any item from the bakery for 99 cents. Ah yeah bitch, I’ll add four items thank you very much. Didn’t get this hourglass figure by saying no to questions like that, christ. Lumbar support on their booths was piss poor but my food was passable. I ate the steak and cheese panini. A hot older woman winked at me I think or maybe it was a piece of lint in her eye no I think it was a wink. Nice. Grade: B


– JD




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