OW: TV Sisters – A Collection of Bitches

30 05 2012

Wish Erma Franklin was my sister.

Just kidding my sister and I are tight. Like Renaissance era chastity belt tight. Like youth size jock strap on Bruce Vilanch tight. Like Mark McGwire Vortex Bat jammed up a…ahh fuck it, you get the picture. The McGriddle family is one close knit sonofabitch. Any closer knit and we’d be in hot legal water over incest charges. Weird stuff, I know. Just kidding. Ha-ha. Incest jokes are the best. If Erma Franklin read that she’d probably be like, “no he di-int!” Racist jokes are pretty fun too. ANYWAYS, now that we got all the off color shenanigans out of the way we can begin this segment dedicated to all the sisters of the world.

Big thanks to Facebook for the super inspirational and heartwarming sister pictures. Before, I thought sisters were someone who puts on ear muffs when you talk, gets violent when you laugh and takes pictures when you cry. Guess I had those all mixed up.

When I was a kid like 97% 47% of the time I wanted to roundhouse my sister. Figuratively of course as I’d never hit a woman. Something about growing up with a younger sister made some aspects of life a nightmare. Having to include her in my full contact game of roller hockey with my bros, being forced to watch Parent Trap 14 times a day instead of Johnny Bravo, even SOMEHOW losing in Mario Kart 64 to Peach ONE DAMN TIME. The list could go on and on.

Well fast forward to last night and I see a little dude at Walgreens getting pestered by his lil sister. Bitch was hitting him in the back of the knees with a her Lion King backpack. Whadda insensitive ho, right? Reminded me of how brutal sibling rivalry can be. Like when you’re eight you have, tops, four problems in life. Not being allowed to get a Baby Bottle Pop at the gas station, only having a half hour of recess, being forced to take a bath twice a week and dealing with your sister(s). That’s it.

Luckily for my generation, there were plenty of TV shows properly portraying the hell on earth that can be living with a sister. Always ruining their brother’s good times and shit. So here’s a half-assed list of sistahs that made things miserable for their siblings on the reg. From all of us at the Mime, fuck these bitches.

 

Dee Dee from Dexter’s Laboratory

She was always smart enough to get into Dexter’s lah-BOHR-atory but once inside she managed to mess up all his shit. News flash Dee squared, your brother’s a fuggin genius. Get up out his grill and let him dominate the science world in peace.

 

Debbie AND Eliza from The Wild Thornberrys

Donny Thornberry had shit ROUGH. All he wanted to do was swing on some branches, maybe munch on a couple bugs. Debbie was hot, Eliza was not, both proved to be major twats.

 

Judy Funny from Doug

Nothin funny about this hipster. Sweet beret, gurl. Sooo not cliche. Can you paint a portrait of Doug in the nude giving you the middle finger?

 

Stephanie Tanner from Full House

Technically didn’t have any brothers but I bet Uncle Joey and Cousin Nicky and Alex were fed up with her lame catch phrases. Then she got hot and turned into a meth head. Seriously, I read a story a few years back about how before she spoke to Marquette students about staying off drugs she blew a hobo out back for a few meth rocks. Somethin like that anyways.

 

Dot from Animaniacs

Talk about out of place. They’re called the Warner BROTHERS. Not Warner Brothers and Sassy Sister. Yakko and Wakko were just workin their pimp game, then Dot showed up all boring and female and boring.

 

Lil from Rugrats

It wasn’t so much what she did, more of how she did it. Always up on Phil’s jock, stealin his style points by rockin the same shit as him, hanging with the same friends as him, going on the same adventures as him. Yo Lil, get ya own life.

 

Meg Griffin from Family Guy

Nothin to be said here.

 

Sister Bear from Berenstain Bears

Up in Brother Bear’s biznaz since him and Papa Bear went on a legendary hunt for honey in 1962.

 

As you can clearly see, if you’re a female sibling of a television boss chances are you’re a pain in the ass and/or hella annoying. I’d suggest changin your ways and start gathering a crew of hot friends ASAP.

I’d also like to stress to all the lady Mime readers that I’m not h8in on the ladies of television, or ladies in general for that matter. There’s plenty o talented sistahs in the TV world doing big things (Ren from Even Stevens, Laura from Family Matters…and those are the only two I can think of). Wait, who am I kidding no women read this blog.

 

– JD

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4 03 2013
Arthur’s Crew |

[…] of you might’ve read my article a while back about TV sisters and they’re bitch-tastic nature. Well I’m feeling pretty silly right now that I forgot to include DW. Chick was the worst. […]

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