Salute to Drunk Athletes

17 05 2012

This past weekend, a friend of the Mime, PK Tha Big Tick,  tossed me a hot off the press article from Deadspin piecing together  Patrick Kane’s monumental bender in Madison a few weekends ago. Said he’d appreciate a Mime post giving homage to America’s athletes who ditch their helmets and bats and jerseys and nut cups on the weekend and get baked bean-beer-bong-chugging drunk like the rest of us. Sounds like a long over due idea to me. Let’s dive right in.

Since my boner popping years as a sophomore in high school, I’ve been a frequent visitor of drunkathlete.com. For those who haven’t been there before, it’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. A phat smorgasbord of pictures, videos and stories of athletes of all shapes and sizes getting wasted. Since its mid 2000s glory days the website has slowed down some, but, nonetheless, it’s still good for a few laughs.

Anyways, drunkathlete.com or Deadspin or whatever, the source really doesn’t matter much. It’s the tremendous number of pictures and stories of athletes everywhere getting hammered and doing stupid shit that we need to salute. Yes, athletes have been drinking and doing drugs for a long time. But these days the media is more ruthless and omnipresent than ever before. Seems like athletes can’t take their dick out of their pants to take a wiz at a Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. without paparazzi snappin pics and reporters questioning their girth. Personally, I think it’s kind of getting out of control. Media bitches all up in athlete stove-tops everywhere just trying to dig up some dirt for a story line before the big game. Whatever, not my fish to fry. Back to my point.

Even though the media is popping up everywhere these days, athletes still  go out and party until they punch a couple stray cats. I think that in itself is rather refreshing. Like even though these guys get paid millions of dollars because of the pure athletic talent coursing through their veins and their freak of nature super bodies, they still like to go out and replace some of that athletic brilliance with rail vodka and a few lines of Columbian bam bam. Why you ask? I gotta assume because getting shed banging drunk is AWESOME.

Take Patrick Kane’s recent shenanigans in Madison for example. If you read the article, pretty much everyone he ran into said he was out of control drunk the entire weekend. Just getting kicked out of bars left and right, getting questioned by the cops, nearly getting into rumbles with random dudes and saying and doing extremely inappropriate things to females. Sounds a lot like a few legendary weekends in my college career (mom if you’re reading this that was a joke). Only difference is, he wakes up Sunday morning with the “DAMN I’m hungover, oh well at least I’m making millions in the NHL.” Meanwhile I had to wake up to, “DAMN I’m hungover, oh well at least I didn’t take a wiz on my lapto…ahh shit”.

Sure athletes can get away with a ton more than the average dude, for obvious reasons. But there’s something satisfying about seeing a professional athlete making extremely poor decisions after hammering back 14 Nattys and a Four Loko. Despite his or her life ruling mad ass they still drink until they get lost and puke in a nearby Retirement Community. Now THAT’S something I can relate to. So for that, TODM drops a list of the hardest partying athletes, in no particular order.

Note = we tried to exclude athletes who have serious substance abuse problems, because, c’mon, that’s just too depressing for a sunny Thursday afternoon.

Dirk Nowitzki 

Dude’s a seven foot German. Probably can drink a whole brewery.

Ben Roethlisberger

In addition to drinking, he also rapes like a champion.

Rob Gronkowski

I mean there was footage of him fist pumping the night they lost Super Bowl XLVI for christsake.

Patrick Kane

You could say Kaner choked Mifflin into submission two weekends ago.

Steve Nash

Holy Jebus! Hopefully for the women around him, he got hotter as they got drunker. Dude has a face like a gremlin.

Allen Iverson

AI’s right nut has partied harder in the month of April than I ever will in my entire life.

Grady Sizemore

No surprises here. Dude lives in CLEVELAND.

Tim Lincecum

Back dat thang up. That’s my favorite move besides the crotch grab. Touche Timmy.

Kyle Orton

Dude sucks ass at football. Can’t knock him for raging like a champ, though. Just maybe rethink the neard.

Matt Leinart

King of the douches. Shitty QB. I think we’ve got a theme goin here.

Mike Dunleavy Jr.

No doubt the guy parties but wowza dude looks like Gollum caught a case of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome here.

Alex Ovechkin

God I bet the number of Russian hooker orgies he’s been a part of is mind boggling.

Jimmy Johnson

Yeah, he’s technically a coach/analyst but that pic gets me every time.

Brad Marchand

Apparently this dude gives Patty Kane a run for his money in the tool/party animal category.

 

This list could go on for days but I think y’all get the idea. How’s that old saying go? You can take the athlete out of the party but you can’t take the party out of the athlete? Yep. That’s gotta be it. If that isn’t it, screw it. It’s a saying now.

Also, I was going to put John Daly on the list but you can’t compare a Clydesdale to a bunch of donkeys.

 

– JD

 

 

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