(Day Late) OW: Does this Cover Suck or What?

10 05 2012

 

Apologies to all loyal Mime comrades. I guess I put a little too much faith in 5Piece to get the yob done on an OW yesterday. Thuggets couldn’t get er done. Something about being “too busy” because he has a “huge final paper due” and he’s “currently failing the class and needs a perfect score on it to graduate in a week”, or some lame excuse mumbo jumbo. Whatevs. Better late than never, that’s what my cat always says.

For today’s overreactsh I figured I’d take a stab at the magazine cover that everyone and their grandpappy seems to be talking about. No, not the cover of EG where Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus’ faces are mashed together, although that cover is weird as shit. I’m of course talking about the Time Magazine cover where some 12 year old kid is big league chewin his Mom’s titty.  Actually, he kind of looks like the kid from Two & A Half Men. If it is, way to go Angus T. Jones! Gettin some serious nippie action! Can’t hate on that, despite your show sucking King Kong sized balls now. I know, I know, it’s clearly not him. Cute little Angus T. is all grown up and awkward as shit now. Kid smiles like there’s a midget shoving crab apples up his bum.

See what I mean?

Nevertheless, back to the breastfeeding cover that has America all up in arms. I mean you can’t go to a major news website right now without seeing it. I’m certainly not complaining, just pointing out how it’s spreading like wild fire. When I first saw it a few things popped into my head. Here’s how it went down. Let’s go inside the mind of a Greg Jennings JD McGrid.

 

1. Damn, that’s actually a Time Magazine cover?

2. Really? Shit. That kid legitimately has that lady’s nipple in his mouth. Like there’s no room for photoshop, kid is suckling nip. Way to go pal.

3. Wow, she’s pretty hot. Not the biggest in the jugs department, but definitely hot.

4. Wait, what’s that fine print down below?? That’s HIS OWN Mom?

5. Christ, this kid is NEVER going to live that down.

 

I think as a nation, we need to collectively flip our boners up into our waistbands and take a step back for a second. Let’s take a look at why Time dropped the ball on this magazine cover.

First off, Time had to know people would flip shit over this cover. THEY HAD TO. If it was a newborn infant and there was a blanket draped over the breastal region, then they might’ve been alright. Not so much the case when they pretty much hire an 8th grader to tongue blast an attractive woman’s boobie for their annual motherhood issue (I got it, he’s three, simply trying to make a point). Sure the article is about over-attached parents, but c’mon.

Secondly, they maybe should’ve disguised the kid and/or mom. Blur out the face, make it more of a silhouette, maybe animate it, I don’t know. Just take a minute to reflect on this kid’s future High School years. Dude is going to get euthanized for being on the cover of Time as a 3 year old still breastfeeding. High School kids are ruthless these days. Chugging hand sanitizer cocktails, huffing laundry detergent (that’s a thing, right?) and then going on an insult rampage making fun of kids for being different or having acne, or being fat. You know, standard stuff. Well add SUCKING THEIR MOM’S TIT ON THE COVER OF TIME MAGAZINE to that list. Just not going to end well for the cherub. At least he’s reppin some badass camo cargo pants.

Finally, why pick such a hot chick? Just terrible judgement on that one. Gotta go with an ugly broad. Kid already has to deal with years of breastfeed related hazing, now you have to add to that the whole hot mom routine. Christ, I have friends who’s Moms look like Dog the Bounty Hunter and we still say she’s hot and we want to plow her. You know what that means. Guys with actual attractive moms just get it way worse. Plus, it’s a magazine cover about breastfeeding. That usually means children are involved, unless of course you’re watching Interracial Lactating Extravaganza IX: 2 Percent Milk. By throwing this pretty lady on the cover with one breasticle out on display you’re opening up pandora’s box. I guarantee this cover will make 1 out 3 American men get some movement in their pants. Not because 1 out of 3 men are into weird breastfeeding shit, because theres some cleav and a hottie. That’s about all we need to get things a’brewin downstairs.

So Time, I ain’t mad at cha for the cover. I get it you’re trying to stir controversy, get readership up. I’m just concerned for the little guy. Kid is in for a world of hurt once his pals get a hold of these photos. You know it, I know it, shit, even his Dad probably knows it. For all we know his Mom was just looking to get her modeling career off the ground. Figured the cover of Time Magazine might be a good start. Probably didn’t realize her error until it was too late. Nip in mouth she was probably like, “hmmm, maybe this isn’t the best idea for my son’s future”. Too late for that Mom. The photo is already making the rounds on shitty blogs across the globe.

 

-JD

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